All the Byron Bay nonsense I was FORCED to endure during episode ONE of Byron Baes
Hello sweeties!!!!!! I am in a great mood for this recap because even though I can’t look in any direction at the moment without seeing something serious and sad and awful going on in the world, I also no longer have to look in the direction of Married At First Sight. A blessing! Now it is time to turn our gazes and our gayses toward a brand new television show that none of us have ever seen before. It is time to watch Byron Baes.
If you aren’t across Byron Baes, it’s very complicated. It’s a reality show about hot people who live in Byron Bay. Okay we are all caught up.
If you are reading this from somewhere else, such as overseas or a higher plane, and aren’t sure what the whole ‘Byron Bay’ vibe is, let me give you some keywords. It’s very beautiful. Sun. Surfers. Beaches. Gentrified, with a serious unaffordable housing situation. Hippies. Rich hippies. Rich people cosplaying as hippies. Wellness freaks. White guys with dreads. Football players and their vaccine-hesitant wives. Backpackers. Celebrities! Chris Hemsworth, Matt Damon and Zac Efron all have places there. And now, the cast of Byron Baes.
NOTE: One annoying thing generally about the show is that (in the first episode at least), there is no acknowledgment of the land that the show is filmed on, or any reference to the Indigenous custodians who live there. Some of the cast speak about the area as if it is their spiritual home, and some speak about it with ownership, that they ‘grew up there’ where others have not, without acknowledging that none of them own the land or belong there. I’m hoping that other episodes contain this sort of thing!
My personal experience with Byron is pretty much restricted to the times that I drove down from Queensland with friends to attend various music festivals. On that note - if you are one of the three tall guys that talked so loudly around me that they drowned out PJ Harvey at Splendour in the Grass 2008, I still think about how much I hate you, and below is a visual representation of what I wish had happened.
My co-recapper for this series and all trash content in my life is Patrick Lenton, a man who isn’t allowed to step foot into Byron Bay because all the tanned people chase him with pitchforks immediately thinking he is a beautiful pale vampire.
Even though he is at risk of being vampire-murdered, he is a brave boy and will still be joining me on this adventure. We will be covering two episodes of the show each week, so you can watch along with us if you like!
Okay that is IT, it is time for the first episode of this thing. As always, we will be recapping this show by ranking the content and people therein by how much or little they annoyed us.
LEAST ANNOYING
People Who Live In Bryon Bay Talking About Byron Bay
This may eventually become annoying, but it was so funny listening to everyone describe Byron Bay to try and convince me of its gravitas as a cultural capital.
“The energy is so beautiful in Byron” [shot of fire-twirling]
There were constant claims that everyone creative lives there.
All great influencers live in Byron, but not all influencers in Byron Bay are influencers.
Do you Nathan! Sorry okay, I’ll call you by your job title on the show, which is…digital marketer? Are you sure that is better?
Or perhaps I will call you by your other job title, “man desperate for fame after appearing on The Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise, and now Byron Baes.” That’s right, I realised I had already recapped Nathan after he annoyed me on Ali’s season of The Bachelorette
Genuinely cannot wait to see what else I learn about Byron Bay in the coming weeks.
HANNAH
It was actually tricky to decide if Hannah should be in the most annoying or least annoying list. That is because Hannah, one of the main characters of the show, is every stereotype about Byron Bay in one small woman.
But she also says incredible things while wrapped in a scarf on top of a cliff, such as:
She is also heavily involved in the narrative of the first episode, when she hosts an “Ibiza” themed party at her beautiful home. This theme seems to be just everyone dressing in white, and Hannah makes them all sit through a “sound healing”, which was also a very caucasian event.
Incredible scenes.
Alongside the spiritual healing and crystals, Hannah also has beef with the “Belle Sisters”, and everyone refers to them as the “Belle Sisters” constantly, which is some real Jane Austen shit. I’m still not sure what their beef is about, even after they talked about it for 5 minutes, but I got the feeling that Hannah is a huge kook, and she is going to be really fun to watch.
JADE KEVIN FOSTER
Netflix has cleverly set the show around two newcomers to the Byron Bay scene, allowing us to experience the new terrain with them. There’s Sarah, a singer and pianist from the Gold Coast who seems sweet, and Influencer Jade Kevin Foster.
JKF has decided to move to Byron Bay seemingly in large part because he’s never had a big group of friends, and as he says below, it’s a solitary life.
He’s excited about the move, because as the number one most followed male influencer of Australia,
he needs to be around like-minded people (other influencers).
I had a huge soft spot for Jade immediately, which I put down to him being very gay and a bit dumb, just like all my dumb gay friends I love.
He’s also really funny, and I have a sneaking suspicion he’s much more in on the joke than we imagine.
SARAH AND ELIAS’S CONVERSATION
Sarah is the new girl in town, the pianist and singer who looks a bit like a third Veronica. Elias is the really hot model guy, but DON’T just think of him as a really hot model guy.
The two of them met at Hannah’s party, and Elias finally found someone who could have deep intellectual conversations with him.
Incredible stuff you guys, I loved this and learned a lot. Also Sarah piqued Nathan’s interest at the party as well, and there will undoubtedly be some form of heterosexual nonsense triangle in our future. Can’t wait!!
MOST ANNOYING
ALEX
I am not used to recapping shows that feature gay men, so this is a real treat. For there to be multiple gays so that I am able to put one on the Most Annoying list and read him? A true blessing. Alex is a “talent manager” who speaks in quips and catchphrases that are reminiscent of Will & Grace circa 2001.
How old is the saying “that’s very [insert year]”, I am wondering.
Being gay and sassy and quipp-y is obviously GREAT, but in the first episode Alex comes across as a bit patronising and mean, rather than a delight. He takes Sarah to Hannah’s party where he is actively rude to everyone, and then ditches Hannah and goes home. He is especially weird about Jade, claiming something is up with him, which feels a bit like a gay Veronica Mars storyline being forced on us (I’m not complaining).
It’s fine if you don’t want to work with influencers, but also at this point nobody had even suggested he would want to work with YOU.
I think it’s just that I am slightly confused about his role in the show. It’s reading almost like he is there as an audience substitute, to be like, wow these people are so silly and deserve our scorn.
But….he is on the show. He lives in Byron, he deals with these people, he is at their home, everyone is being nice. Watching him try to be involved while also acting like he is so above them is annoying.
ELLE
Let me just a few images and you can try and figure out why Elle is here.
God there is nothing that quenches the thirst more than a ceremonial cacao is there? But Elle isn’t just here because of all this bullshit, because then everybody on this show would be on this list.
Elle is here because in every scene of this show, I did NOT like her contribution. She is rude at the party to the newbies, and in the very first episode talks shit about her supposedly good friend Hannah.
Not a fan…it’s just the ~vibe~ you know.
THE MOST BYRON BAY MOMENT OF THE EPISODE
Unlike the other shows we recap, nobody is being eliminated, even though it could be argued they should. So we’ve decided to each episode pick our “most” or favourite Byron Bay moment. Mine was when Jade brought Hannah a gift for allowing him to come to her party.
Bless us one and all.
Thank you SO MUCH for joining us on this new adventure with a fun new show! Patrick will be along soon to recap episode 2, and I know he’s going to have a lot to say about all this nonsense.
Until then, here is a tweet I read that reminded me of him x
