All the Byron Bay nonsense I was forced to endure during episode FIVE of Byron Baes

so many people all over the world refer to me as sunshine.

Hello my beautiful spirits, how are we today? After viewing this episode I am in the Byron Bay mindset, sending you all light, love, energy, and family money nobody ever asks you about. We are just magically wealthy and living in beautiful locations, all from our own personal hard work creating a new linen line, or posting photos on social media. May nobody ever ask “so what do you parents do?”, forcing you to say things like “Oh my dad runs his own small business” (partner at a prestigious law firm) or “my mum works at a bank” (investment banker, in jail for fraud crimes).

We are up to episode FIVE of this ridiculous show. My co-recapper Patrick has recovered from Covid, and is no longer a pale and sickly boy tucked away in a hidden bedroom, like the kid from The Secret Garden. Now he is his usual pale and sickly boy like in The Children of Cherry Tree Farm by Enid Blyton, needing to be sent from the city to stay with relatives on a farm to fatten up and get some sun.

four children mocking Patrick

This episode has the most Heterosexual Nonsense of all the episodes so far, which is annoying, but it also jam-packed with some of the most bonkers sentences that have ever been aired. Let’s get into it!

Least Annoying

Jade

Jade is quickly becoming my favourite Himbo of all time. I know Himbo is for people of all sexualities, but I think Jade deserves his own, new category. A gay Himbo. Jade is a Gimbo. He wasn’t in this episode as much as he has previously been, but his impact is undeniable. He’s like Judi Dench winning the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her 5 minutes in Shakespeare in Love.

i hope nobody asks where I got my followers

Ep 5 has two main storylines. One of them is about Elle putting on a fundraiser to save the oceans, and Jade was really excited to be at this party. Sorry for the array of screenshots you are about to see, but I must insist you see him trying to have coral bleaching explained to him.

I will say, even though I am going to rip her to shreds a little bit later, Elle was very nice to Jade when he didn’t know things, and didn’t make him feel stupid. I liked that. And Jade was keen to learn, especially after experiencing the Reef for himself recently.

Next Elle introduced Jade to her engineer boyfriend Stav, and explained that they had built a robot that can grow coral.

when people explain board game rules to me

My favourite moment was when, after hearing about the robot that Stav the engineer had built, he asked “Did you pass year 12?”

Jade is a dumb gay who you must simply love to be around, and I feel much kinship with him. You don’t need grade 12 babe, you’ve got us now.