All the Christmas heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during: Christmas On The Farm

It's the first of our christmas rom-com recaps, and boy are our arms tired

Hello - so if you didn’t see, throughout the month of December we’re going to recap CHRISTMAS ROM-COM FILMS and send them to you, our loyal subscribers, because tis the season, hark, etc. Yule LOVE these rom-com recaps, baby.

Guess what, this is the most confusing, over-convoluted Christmas film we’ve ever seen, with the most baffling bad soup of tropes. It was so much fun to recap.

the three emotions we felt watching this film (upset, santa, wistful)

Are Christmas films inherently heterosexual nonsensical?

Bec: Well, I was never like super into Christmas movies. I don't think we were like a really Christmassy family. But in recent years, I have become someone who just loves a bad Christmas movie or a good Christmas movie, but mostly bad ones. And especially with Freya, we simply love to indulge in how cuckoo bananas they are. 

Patrick: What do you think created that change for you? Like were you visited by like three versions of yourself on Christmas eve to teach you the error of your ways? 

Bec: I, I don't know. Well, first of all, they're fun to make fun of, and they're silly. But also it's like just a lot of it is also that so many of them are heterosexual nonsense ramped up to a million? Maybe it’s because I was visited by the ghost of marijuana, who helps the movies be better?

I hate Australian summer, and I do really like the idea of snow and all of these movies (except for the one we're doing today) are full of winter and snow. And they're always about a career woman in a big city who has to be taught by a man the value of living in a small town. What about you?

Patrick: I like I've always been an unrepentant little Christmas boy.

Bec: you’re the Little Drummer Boy, that's you

Patrick: Sure, I guess (Bec then proceeded to try and make a ‘pa-rum-pa-pum-pum’ - cum-cum-cum-cum Drummer Boy innuendo for the next 15 minutes but it didn’t really land). 

Bec doing her Little Drummer Boy/ Cummer Boy gear, me enjoying

What is Christmas On The Farm about?

Patrick: This might be the hardest recap I've ever had to do in my life because this plot is so deranged and so faulty - 

Bec: convoluted, so convoluted too… for no good reason.

both Bec and i independent of each other had a moment of imagining what this film would be like if Jennifer Coolidge was the lead.

Patrick: But OK, let's let's see if I can describe this plot. So, an Australian woman who grew up on a farm with her mum lives in New York now. She is an author, and author of what exactly? We don't know. She's got this agent who is, like, incredibly invested in her, but like but then at another point, she like, she sells this book I'm getting ahead of myself… So she's some sort of author. She lives in New York. She, you know, she's she's she's living the high life. She's a Carrie Bradshaw-esque persona, kind of like an Aldi version of Carrie Bradshaw. And and her mum dies. She has to go back to Australia, to the farm. She's sad. She sat on the plane sadly for a long time. She gets to the farm. There are two gay men living on it now. I haven't been to rural Australia, so I don't know if gay men are assigned to each farm or something. But there's no real explanation of why these men live in this farm. 

Bec: That's why they're called stud farmers. 

Patrick: Okay. Right. So they she finds out from these random men that the farm is in trouble because farms are always in trouble - I imagine that's that's actually a very astute political statement that the film is making about regional issues - and it needs money. She's like, “oh well” goes back to New York, gets drunk, has a one night stand with some guy that she meets in a bar when she's meant to be on a Hinge date with someone else. They have sex. She leaves the next morning because she's fancy free. Right? 

Bec: Yeah. Yeah, just a bit of casual fun which is fine. 

Patrick: Oh, that's right. She wrote up her mother's diaries as a book on the plane back to America. Her mum had died. 

Bec: You're already wrong. Oh no, she did.

Patrick: They're like, this isn't good enough, but it will be good enough if you write it as if you are your mum…

Bec: Deranged, deranged. 

Patrick: So she does that and they sell the book for a million dollars. But then her agent tells her that part of the stipulation in the contract is that the publisher and the publisher's mum, who is the head publisher, London and London, need need to go to the farm and spend Christmas with the with the fake persona of her mum that she's pretending to be. 

Bec: And her husband and kids. 

Patrick: Like the movie's barely started. Like, that's the set up. 

Bec: But also the publisher is the man that she had the one night stand with, which, you know, like there’s so many complications.

Patrick: So obviously, she has to make this like carry out this bizarre Australian Christmas on the farm illusion to the foreign dignitaries in order to get her book contract for a million dollars. That is the premise. That is the plot we see in the first ten minutes. And then more happens, but we won't go into it because that will be spoilers. 

Look its basically all in the trailer