All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure from the MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT cast list

let's see what heteros we're going to be working with during these recaps...

Neither of us have watched this show. Neither of us know what this is all about. What is marriage? What is sight? We simply will never know.

Anyway, as you would have seen from our previous poll, a whole bunch of you want us to recap this show. Or more specifically, a whole bunch of you think it would be FUNNY to make us watch the show and write about it, without any plans to watch it yourself. That’s ok. That’s valid.

Anyway, the cast list is here, so let’s go through it and discuss.

The Brides 

Domenica

Age: 28

From: NSW

Occupation: Makeup artist

Domenica (or "Dom") is somewhat of a pocket rocket, an outgoing, feisty and passionate Italian. She comes from a big family, stands up for what she believes in and protects those she loves — you don't want to get on her wrong side.

She's been married before — the relationship was four-years long but the marriage only lasted for two months. It was Domenica's decision to end the marriage, which left her devastated and feeling like a failure. She still has her walls up.

Domenica is hoping to find a husband who will love her for all her quirks and can deliver the right chemistry in the bedroom. She hopes that her new groom will lead her in the direction of kids and her own big Italian family.

B: Pretty! A four year relationship and two-month marriage, is she here to do the exact opposite this time and see if it works? 

P: I think if you’ve had a two month marriage already, you’d pretty much lose the “fear” of your new TV marriage not working out. That must feel nice.

B: But what if it only lasts one month! The shame. 

P: It’s fun to break your own personal records

B: I also love that she wants someone who “can deliver the right chemistry in the bedroom” AND she gets called “Dom” - clearly looking for a sub. 

P: It’s always chemistry in the bedroom. I want someone who can deliver geography in the bedroom, just explain some big maps to me while I fall asleep, sensually point out the equator.

B: I want a biology teacher, baby!! (not sure what this means but it’s disgusting)

Ella

Age: 27

From: Victoria

Occupation: Beautician

Hot, edgy and covered in tattoos, it's hard to believe Ella hasn't been in a relationship for nine years.

Ella is in tune with her sexuality and believes a strong sexual connection in relationships is important.

She loves love and is ready to find someone who will be her best friend and biggest fan. As someone who's extremely loyal and faithful, she wants a partner to do life with and is done with men who can't commit.

B: Now we go from a makeup artist to a beautician, a huge leap. Ella Ding is a wonderful name, I must say. I probably like it because it sounds like a drag queen’s name. She’s hot, edgy AND has tattoos. 

P: are tattoos still hot? I feel like everyone has them now

B: Do you have one?

P: I have several, because I am clearly hot and edgy

B: You are edgy, in that your little bones poke out and stab anyone who comes near. 

P: and i am hot because i am trapped in this Oody.

B: You’re part of the oody-positivity movement. Btw I think Ella IS hot. I think she should be a femme queen queer and not marry a gross man on television. 

P: if she’s truly “done with men who can’t commit” she should simply date a woman. Solved. next.

Holly

Age: 36

From: NSW

Occupation: Cinema manager

Holly desperately wants to meet the love of her life so she can become a mother. In her previous relationship she thought she'd found The One, and she was devastated when he told her he didn't want any more children.

Holly is upfront about the time pressure she feels to fall pregnant, which is why she turned to the MAFS experts for help. She has a lot of love to give and wants that in return, from someone she can start a family with.

B: Ok cinema manager I like - I assume you get neverending free popcorn if you date Holly. 

P: “In her previous relationship she thought she'd found The One” - unfortunately Neo is already in love with Trinity!!!!

B: Is that a movie joke because she’s a cinema manager? She’s not going to marry you, dude.

P: but i have also seen upwards of four movies, we are perfect for each other.

B: I feel a LOT of empathy for Holly, she is “desperate” to meet someone she can have kids with, soon, and that is a lot of pressure to take into dating and relationships. But I do sort of think MAFs might be actually helpful for this sort of specific scenario? If she’s with a man who is also keen for commitment (assuming he is since he is on a show where you get married). Of course she will immediately have to loudly ask “do you have working semen???” upon arrival at the altar. 

P: Working semen? I call that the Navy.

Olivia

Age: 27

From: NSW

Occupation: Teaching student

Olivia has struggled with low self-confidence for years. She had gastric sleeve surgery to lose 50kg when she was 22, adopting the mentality of taking what she can get.

Her dating life also took a pause when she became her terminally ill father's carer. Instead of going out, her Saturday nights are spent at home knitting and watching movies.

Sweet and bubbly, Olivia has dated the wrong guys in the past, but she's a romantic at heart and is ready to meet the person who's right for her.

B: My interpretation of this is that beautiful sweet Olivia used to be fat, society told her she was worthless, so she dated assholes, and now she is skinny and still dating assholes. I do love the implication also that you should just take what you get if you’re fat, but not if you are skinny. This show is already making me sad. Is that good. 

P: Yeah i have no jokes, I’m just staring at the screen, feeling sad about society.

Samantha

Age: 26

From: Queensland

Occupation: Fashion brand manager

Samantha is a strong and independent spirit who is passionate about her career. Someone really has to be worth it for her to agree on a date.

She's still scarred from the breakdown of her previous relationship. She thought she and her partner of almost seven years would get married, but he cheated on her. As a result she has serious trust issues when it comes to men.

As for what she wants in a partner, Samantha would love ambition, confidence and self-sufficiency in an older man.

B: Samantha is a career woman! Who thought she had found the one until her partner cheated on her. This seems to be a common story on MAFs. I can't trust men anymore, so I will trust….television producers. 

P: Samantha also wants to date an old man. 

B: One who can’t cheat because he goes to sleep at 4pm. 

P: but he’s a good guy because he’s constantly visited by three ghosts who teach him lessons about himself.

S: She also runs a fashion brand, and I wanted to know what it is so I found her linkedin and then the Instagram for her brand. Is information too easily accessibly nowadays? Hard to say. 

P: omg go OFF harriet the spy

B: Harriet the Spy definitely a lesbian btw. Anyway it’s called Silk Leppard. Have you bought from them before? 

P: no, and i love to drape myself in fine silks too

B: It actually looks kind of cool, I must admit I was surprised. You can check it out here. 

P: oh shit i love this. SAMANTHA. BEC AND I WILL BE SILK LEPPARD BRAND PARTNERS. REACH OUT TO US.

B: This could be us!!! ​​

silkleppard

A post shared by Silk Leppard (@silkleppard)

Selin

Age: 32

From: NSW

Occupation: Executive assistant

Selin is a single mum to a son who's almost three, so as a result her MAFS wedding day will be her first date in three years. She's attempting to leave her "mum guilt" behind for the opportunity to find love, even though she's nervous and scared of being hurt.

She comes from a close-knit, loud Turkish family. She's looking for a "good man" who will be honest and faithful, and someone who will be on her and her son's team for life.

B: Selin doesn’t have that much information besides that she is a mother and Turkish. 

P: she’s looking for a “good man” which is at once a low bar, but also perhaps impossibly ambitious. 

B: Yeah no chance unfortunately. 

Selina

Age: 32

From: South Australia

Occupation: Hairdresser

Selina, who is half-Cambodian and half-Chinese, is the self-proclaimed black sheep of her family because she didn't become a doctor or lawyer and pursued her passion for hairdressing instead. She says if her parents had their way she would already be married to an older, wealthy Asian.

She has struggled with relationships in the past as men have often seen her as a novelty rather than a smart, ambitious woman.

She was one of the only Asian kids at her school and grew up feeling on the outer, but Selina countered it by being funny and bubbly. She jokes that she can't even use chopsticks and must be the "worst Asian in the world".

B: First Selin and now Selina. 

P: better keep an eye out for Selin and Selina

B: She feels like her parents are disappointed in her for her career choices…okay finally a relatable queen. 

P: her parents want her married to an old wealthy man… doesn’t sound awful.

B: She seems great! Why is she on this show. Why is anyone. None of my business I suppose! 

P: what these people do is nobody’s business. Respectfully, we should leave them alone.

Tamara

Age: 29

From: Queensland

Occupation: Operations manager

Tamara describes herself as an Alpha personality. She's self-assured, confident, sassy and outspoken, and will tell anyone what she thinks of them.

She's financially independent, ambitious and owns her own home, so she has high expectations for a partner, someone who can match her on all levels and not be intimidated.

In the past Tamara has found guys will do anything to impress her, but she gets bored quickly and needs someone who will hold and keep her attention. She also takes great pride in her appearance and expects her partner to do the same.

B: Hell yeah, Tamara is an alpha. Her entire profile is 100% setting us up to think/know that she’s going to be a B word. What B word I mean, that’s up to you to decide for yourself. 

P: beautiful.

B: She reminds me a bit of Christine from Selling Sunset, and that to me, is exciting. 

P: she thinks she’s so impressive for owning her own house, well guess what I own? An anxiety disorder.

The Grooms

Al

Age: 25

From: NSW

Occupation: Carpenter

Al is loveable and cheeky but has never had a serious relationship, even though he has no trouble getting female attention. He also still lives at home with his mum, who still does his cooking, cleaning and washing (so she definitely supports his decision to get married).

Even though Al is fun and often the life of the party, beneath his confidence he's secretly scared of rejection.

Al comes from a family of five sisters so he's comfortable around women. He hopes his perfect woman and bride will ultimately be able to ground him.

B: This man lives at home with his mother who does all his cooking and washing. And he wants a wife to ground him. Immediately no. Jail. 

P: his mother should compete on the show with him imho

B: And she has to kiss the bride to make sure it’s safe for him. Now we have a show! 

P: it’s called Mum Kiss

Andrew

Age: 39

From: NSW

Occupation: Motivational speaker/Personal trainer

Andrew is a larger-than-life, straight-talking Texan with a passion for helping others through motivational speaking.

Twice divorced, he moved to Australia four years ago with his second wife. While the marriage didn't work out, they had a two-year-old daughter who they amicably co-parent. Despite the failed marriages Andrew still hopes his soulmate is out there. He would like to meet a woman he can have more children with.

Andrew is looking for someone who can match his spontaneity, has a sense of humour, will keep him on his toes and challenge him. Good banter is an absolute must.

B: I am trying to remain open minded because this guy LOOKS like he might be nice, and he amicably co-parents which is good? But the job description ‘motivational speaker/personal trainer’ puts me on edge. 

P: i just don’t think you can be a motivational speaker if you’ve had two divorces, sorry

B: What if it’s motivating people to have failed marriages? 

P: well then he’s doing the lord’s work, more divorces imho

B: Also he’s from Texas which could be hot and cute (but probably not on a straight man)
(who would go on this show). 

P: yeah i’ve seen Deadwood. Not hot.

Anthony

Age: 38

From: Victoria

Occupation: Sales/Pro wrestler

At 1.93m (six-foot-four), Anthony fits the description 'tall, dark and handsome'.

Anthony has no trouble getting female attention but has ended up with the wrong women in the past. He wants someone who can match his drive and excitement for life, a woman who's passionate and will challenge him emotionally and intellectually.

His bride will also need to accept that Anthony already adores another girl: his nine-year-old daughter, the love of his life.

When he's not working in sales Anthony is in the ring as the semi-pro wrestler "Tommy Hellfire".

B: Okay….is Anthony hot…..

P: i can’t tell. He looks like the first person to get eaten by an alien in an alien movie. Is that hot? 

B: It’s sexy as hell brother! He is 6 foot 4, you people like that don’t you? 

P: yes i like it when people I’m dating hit their head on the top of the door frame, keeps them humble.

B: I think it’s cute that he loves his daughter so much. Am I becoming soft in my old age? I’m scared. 

P: yeah i think you’ve become part of the problem

B: Can we just discuss his wrestling name please for a second? “Tommy Hellfire”. Is wrestling like drag where the names are often a pun on something? Is it a Tommy Hilfiger reference? Who is Tommy? From the Rugrats???

P: it’s both, it’s the Rugrats/ Tommy Hilfiger collab that we’ve ALL been screaming for. Well spotted.

B: Okay but I just found this image of him. NOW is he hot? 

P: hello father

B: He’s already wearing kneepads, if you know what I mean…(sore knees)

P: let’s just say… he probably… has rollerblades….

Brent

Age: 33

From: NSW

Occupation: Hospitality manager

Confident, charismatic and sociable, Brent lived the high life in Dubai for seven years running a successful events management company. But when the pandemic hit, like many others in the hospitality industry, Brent was devastated.

Brent returned to Australia and is determined to rebuild his life, which includes meeting his life partner. He can't stand pretentious people and wants a natural beauty who is genuine, sensitive and non-judgemental.

There is one very serious dealbreaker which is a non-negotiable: his wife must have well-maintained feet. "I'm really uncomfortable around feet," Brent says in the promo. "It freaks me out." If she doesn't have nice feet, it might very well signify the end of the relationship!

B: I get a bad vibe from this very scarce information about Brent in front of me, and I can’t explain why. Maybe it’s because he needs well-maintained feet. I’m not maintaining my feet for no man. 

P: he also wants a “natural beauty” which i believe is any woman who looks like the Kiama Blow Hole, a place of great natural beauty.

B: I’m in!!

Cody

Age: 30

From: NSW

Occupation: Swim coach/Personal trainer

Cody is an easy-going guy from Sydney's Northern Beaches who loves nothing more than spending an afternoon at the beach with his mates. He spent his 20s travelling the world and living an adventurous life, but now he's turned 30 he's realised he wants someone he can share his adventures with.

Cody lost his father when he was 15, a devastating event that made him put his walls up and avoid serious relationships.

He's uncomfortable with PDA and even struggles with holding hands, so he hopes his wife will just love and accept him and be patient as he works through these issues.

B: Cody is cute, but he’s wearing a thumb ring. Also Cody doesn’t seem like a real name to me, it’s something invented in the 80s by the government for movie characters. 

P: he says he likes the beach, he’s such a damn liar

B: He struggles with PDA, which I assume means Paul Dhomas Anderson. He should watch Boogie Nights!

P: I also struggle with PDA

B: Patrick Dumb Ass? Patrick Displays of Affection? 

P: Perfect Dick and Ass

B: It is slightly concerning that Cody’s dad died and now he can’t hold hands with a girlfriend, but if there’s one thing that people with serious issues should do, it’s go on MAFs! So I feel comfortable about it.

Jack

Age: 26

From: NSW

Occupation: Financial planner

Jack is a charismatic and likeable guy who gets on with everyone. He also tends to be the voice of reason, a peacemaker with a great moral compass.

While he spends his weekdays working in corporate finance, Jack is a hipster at heart and looking for a woman who can share his passion for music and adventure. He finds modern dating frustrating and prefers more old-fashioned courtships to dating apps.

He is looking for someone who is fun, passionate and ready to give anything a try. Plus, she must love dogs — Jack's best friend is his dog, Fynn.

B: I hate this man on sight. He looks like the hipster version of an old timey villain who wants to tie a woman to the train tracks. He will tie her to the light rail tracks in Melbourne instead. “Jack is a charismatic and likeable guy who gets on with everyone.” DOUBT IT. Introduce me. 

P: i’m also a financial planner, recently i buried all the coins at the bottom of my new yorker tote bag in the garden.

Jackson

Age: 30

From: Victoria

Occupation: Plumber

Jackson is outgoing and upbeat, a larrikin who describes himself as the class clown.

He's also a sensitive, kind guy who is a natural protector. He grew up as the eldest of give kids and took on the role of protective older brother to his younger sisters and mum, often protecting his family from violent stepfathers.

Jackson is a sucker for a girl with nice eyes and a smile, and hopes his bride is smaller than him — which shouldn't be difficult considering he's six-foot-three.

B: Strange detour with this profile into childhood trauma! And he grew up as the eldest of give kids.

P: I like how it kinda sounds like he was protecting his family from roving stepfathers, packs of them

B: I also think it’s a bad sign that his main concern is a woman who is smaller than him. Men who don’t like tall powerful women who could beat them in a fight are disgusting to me. 

P: i’m dating a woman who is much smaller than me, but she could literally snap me like pool noodle.

B: And that’s beautiful. 

Mitch

Age: 26

From: Queensland

Occupation: Financial planner

Mitch is a financial planner and part-time model from the Gold Coast.

With his good looks he's never short of attention from women, but he hasn't spent more than two consecutive nights with a girl in his life. Lots of girls have assumed he's a party boy but he's an introvert who enjoys his own company. In his downtime he enjoys fishing or camping with a couple of mates.

He's tired of online dating and hopes joining the experiment will give him the tools to find a genuinely committed relationship.

P: i’m also a financial planner, recently I invested a good portion of my money into a delicious sandwich, which was entirely planned.

B: Lots of red flags pinging for me here I’m afraid to say. Gold Coast, ping. Model, ping. Hasn’t spent more than two consecutive nights with a girl - excuse me?? How can they even pretend the conceit of this show is to actually find people marriages if they are letting this guy in. At least they pretend on Bachie. 

P: he hasn’t spent more than two nights with a girl because hmm no i just remembered how werewolves work, that doesn’t make sense

B: I have no clue where you were going with that, but suffice to say, Mitch is going to suck. I can feel it in my rattling old bones. 

P: I agree, nobody “enjoys” camping, he is clearly a liar.

---

B: That’s everyone! I am sad they didn’t find any queer people for this season, but on the other hand, no I’m not. Never having seen the show, I am not sure what to expect. But I am very very frightened of what lies ahead for them, and also us. 

P: i really feel like this is going to be awful! And all these people will feel worse about themselves afterwards. 

B: BUT on the other hand, we will get to make lots of jokes about it. So who is to say if it’s good or not. 

P: only jesus can judge

B: If Jesus were alive now, he would be on MAFs. Jesus, 33, Carpenter. A free spirit, doesn’t like to be nailed down. Doesn’t like PDA, or perhaps, any A at all. Heavy drinker. 

P: has been betrayed in the past, so his walls are still up. Willing to give people a second chance (after three days).

MAFs starts on the 31st. We’ll be recapping a couple of episodes a week! The first week is gonna be FREE for everyone, but after that… that’s for subscribers only, baby, the VIP. As always, thank you for supporting us.