All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during episode TWO of The Bachelorette
We've met the contestants, now let's get down to business (Mulan is a bisexual movie).
Hello to my friends, my enemies, my frenemies, my acquaintances, my acquaintances who are my enemies, my colleagues, my colleagues who are my enemies, random Twitter people, and random Twitter people who are my enemies. It’s been so long! I’ve missed you, have you missed me? You have to say yes!!!
Welcome to our second recap of The Bachelorette, and the first done by me - the beautiful Rebecca Shaw! My good friend, co-recapper, and charming bisexual Gumby Patrick Lenton covered the first episode, and did a wonderful job.
Before I move onto talking about the new episode, I have a couple of general thoughts about the show thus far I wish to share with the class. And I can do that, because this is our newsletter and we can do whatever we fucking want! (sorry for swearing, please subscribe thank you I love you).
The first thing I want to talk about is all the queer women. Shocking I know, are you okay, do you need to lie down. Now look, all of the women on the show are pretty and seem cool. and i’m sure they are nice. And OBVIOUSLY every type of queer is valid, a person is queer regardless of what they look like, and you don’t have to look a certain way in order to be queer. However……HOW WAS THERE NOT ONE SOFT BUTCH/BUTCH/FUTCH/ANDRO HOTTIE ON THE RED CARPET IN A SUIT!!!!!
What the FUCK is going on? How was EVERY woman wearing a ball gown. I can’t turn around at a party in Sydney without bumping into a woman wearing a suit or a vest or a top hat. It’s like at the auditions they had someone measuring everyone’s hair to make sure it fell more than 10cm below their shoulders. Which again, is completely fine, but you’re telling me you couldn’t find one Kristen Stewart, one Shane from The L Word? God, at this stage i’m so desperate I’d even take FINLEY from The L Word.
The closest thing to a hot androgynous queer we have is Konrad, which I believe partly explains why everyone likes him so much.
'“Maybe Brooke is only into femmes”? To that I say, it’s not like every season the Bachelor/ette is into the looks of every single contestant! Mix it up for the rest of us horny viewers. My cynical brain wonders if the show thought that Australia would be okay with bisexual women as long as they didn’t terrify families across the nation with a shaved head or asymmetrical haircut. “Mummy….why can I see half of that woman’s scalp…I’m scared!” Shut up, Timmy, I’m your mother now.
I’ve seen people praising the show for having queer femme representation, and I agree that it’s good for viewers to see that queer women can look like anything. But it shouldn’t be at the exclusion of everyone else. It’s not like we are drowning in representation for other people, and in my TV-watching experience most queer female characters on TV are usually on the femme side. The L Word both old and new is full of femmes, and as my friend Brydie said “There is more werewolf representation on the CW than butch rep”
I’ve also seen the argument that the show just styled them that way for the first episode, and if so - that is also not positive queer femme representation! That is the show trying to make them look like every woman in every season ever. Anyway sorry, I forgot to be funny for that part! And also this next part, probably.
Do I appreciate the show and give them credit for doing this season, and thus far handling it well? Yes. Did it also make me feel prickly that they were so self-congratulatory about it? Absolutely. It was only last year that other people and I were debating it with Osher yet again on Twitter about it as we had for several years. It was last year that I wrote an article addressing all of Osher’s concerns, including that it wouldn’t work because contestants might hook up in the house (drama they are now using in the promos for the show). I am 100% sure that Osher is happy about this season, and likely pushed it for it, and it’s great the show went there - but i’m not so sure they need to act like they invented the concept of bisexuality.
Third and final thing I wanted to cover from the first ep - the kiss between Brooke and Jamie-Lee was SO HOT. I have literally never found a kiss on these shows hot before, and it was DISCOMBOBULATING. I felt like a teenager watching a horny movie with my parents.
Okay, gay rants over, time to recap this show which is the thing i’m meant to be doing! As always, I will be ranking the show and moments by Most Annoying and Least Annoying, and you can’t stop me.
MOST ANNOYING
Holly and Brooke not kissing
HOW DID THESE TWO NOT KISS!!!!
I did not sign up for this torture, if i wanted this I would just watch Portrait of a Lady on Fire again!!!! Holly and Brooke had two of the most obvious and perfect opportunities to kiss, and did not take it. They hugged and caressed and held each other close and put their cheeks on cheeks and discussed wanting to kiss each other multiple times, and there were literal fireworks and the next time they saw each other they talked about how last time they wanted to kiss and then Holly got a rose and THEY STILL DIDN’T FUCKING KISS!!! I am losing my gay little mind.
On one hand, this was truly infuriating. Our community did not fight to get to this moment only to have these two not kiss. On the other hand….we hate in others what we see in ourselves, and I have seen this in myself soooooo many times. Leaving a date, only to text after that we both wanted to kiss. Hanging out three or four times on an obvious date with a woman who is sitting in my lap and staring into my eyes, only to wonder after she left if she wanted me to kiss her. Representation for us freaks is important too! Saying that, if they don’t kiss soon I am going to invent time travel and go back to scream at them.
Men physically picking Brooke up constantly
This could be a classic “I don’t understand what women who are into men find sexy” moment, but fuck me it is so annoying watching men pick Brooke up out of nowhere with no warning! She is not a child, she is a human woman. It is simply just to show how strong they are and honey, it’s just not that impressive! She is tiny, I could easily pick her up.
okay - just had to break here because there was an earthquake!! I am in New Zealand. It is fine, and I think it was God sending me a message that he agrees with me about my current point.
At least ask the woman briefly, or at the very least warn her you are about to do it. Holly needs to think a bit less, and these men need to think a bit more. Which I think would be a big ask in sweet blank eyed Kurt’s case, especially.
This fucked bench
So far this season of The Bachelorette is mainly about seats, chairs, butt receptacles of various kinds. This episode saw Brooke and Darvid go on a date which included sitting on this fucked thing.
No thank you! Yes it is pretty, and I am happy to look at it on my screen, but otherwise no. I would not be sitting on that, not even for Brooke. If true love requires me to sit on a small seat on the side of a cliff, I guess I’m dedicating my life to cats, and normal seats on the ground. Where the cats will eat my body when I die alone. On the ground seat.
LEAST ANNOYING
Brooke in a suit
I know I went on earlier about suits in the first episode, and I was thrilled to see Brooke wearing multiple suits this episode.
It really “suits” her :)
Darvid
I really don’t like how the show, or the contestants, are setting this up to be a men v women thing. I think it is reductive, and I think it makes bisexuality seem like a competition between men and women where there will ultimately be a winner, which sucks. But most of all - it makes it hard for me to remain fair and open-minded when it comes to her romance with men! But so far, I really like Darvid, and I like the connection he has with Brooke. Also he is so handsome.
At one point he started to annoy me when he was talking to the camera about Brooke during their date and he was saying “She has a beautiful set of eyes on her. She looks stunning in every light. It started raining and she still looked beautiful” and I was like okay…do women usually look disgusting when it rains, what are you on about sir. But then he said “and she makes me feel merry.” I cannot stay mad at a man who uses the word ‘merry’ to describe how he feels. You won me back you beautiful fiend!!!
Bec
We did not see enough of husky-voiced, hot Bec. However, the little glimpses we did get were really good. Like when they were approaching this building for a date, and she said “okay, London vibes!”
I also looked at her Instagram and she is obsessed with her cat and this post absolutely rules, and we have no choice but to stan.
I hope we get to see more of her soon, and not just because it sounds like people are saying my name on TV.
So..I’m a very large pumpkin
NEVER TO ANNOY OR NOT ANNOY AGAIN
Beau
I am surprised Beau went this early, usually the dickheads stay around for a few episodes. But even though Halloween is Pride for straight people, and he should have thrived, you could sense Brooke’s palpable dislike of him through the screen - so it makes sense he was booted.
That is my first recap done!! I’m so sorry it was so long and edging into ‘manifesto’ areas, I promise I will have less to say next week. Maybe! This is the last of the free recaps* unfortunately, and please subscribe if you’d like to read our recaps of the rest of the season. We are freelancing and as a bisexual ally I need money to fund my bisexual girlfriend’s pen and pencil habit.
Love you, miss you.
*If you can’t afford it but would still like access, please shoot me a DM on Twitter.
"bisexual Gumby Patrick Lenton" lolololololol. thank you
also Bec this is perfect and i loved your manifesto bit at the beginning it is EVERYTHING i've been thinking about. love this queer hivemind