All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during episode SIX of The 3achelors

six and out (of my mind)

Dear Diary. I am in Wellington, Aotearoa. We are two hours ahead of Australia here - because of time zones. Not to be confused with TimeZone, a place I would and could defeat you at air hockey. I’m the Wayne Gretzky of air hockey. Or the second best ice hockey player, whoever that is, no idea. It’s 11:45pm. My loved ones are in bed. The neighbourhood is dark. The turtle we are looking after at the moment is staring at me, wondering what I’m doing. I’ve tried to explain to the turtle that clearly I’m up late watching and recapping a reality television dating show, but I don’t think he knows what television is. I feel as though I’m the solo Captain of a ship, hurtling through the heavy seas, trying to get us safely to shore. Look, I’m very tired.

I love this song and my girlfriend hates it but we still love each other!!

For some god forsaken reason, and I do believe god has forsaken us (perhaps because of these recaps), Channel 10 are insisting on putting out all the episodes basically day by day until they run out. I don’t know if it’s because the ratings were awful immediately, or if they realised too late they need to get it out before MAFS and new Survivor start, or if a monkey broke into the Channel 10 programming department and has just started pushing buttons - but it’s annoying, and does feel like a punishment directed specifically at me and my co-recapper Patrick Lenton, perhaps because he is bisexual????? or too beautiful??? Disgraceful.

In any case, we are at episode 6 of this show already! What has happened so far? Not much, except my dislike of men has increased already by 1.5 which doesn’t SEEM like a lot, but it’s more in the climate change temperature model where a 1.5 rise could be globally devastating.

Let’s get into this recap! I feel insane!

LEAST ANNOYING

Abigail

Yes yet again and probably every single time forevermore, a random woman with not much screentime will star on this list. This is for a few reasons. 1. The men are always going to annoy me 2. The funniest more low-key women don’t usually get focused on much, and 3. I love women and all their ways. If you don’t remember Abigail, she is the one that brought her cat on a leash to the first date with Felix, which could have been unbearably quirky twee girl.

But as it turns out, she’s actually hot and cool and it’s hard to spot the issue or motive she has for being on this show.

what’s wrong with you, tell us your secret…

Confusing, but not annoying.

Bella

I love Bella so much, she is an absolute kook and so fun. Every line she gets is iconic, every outfit amazing - in this episode she looked like she’d just woken up at a sleepover.

Sleepover Chic, let’s get into it gals.

I would really love her to get some more screentime! Give us more Bella!

Sorry yes, yet another random funny woman with not much screentime, but it’s not my fault! Everyone else is so annoying.

This guy

At the start of this ep, Osher announced to the women that they were halfway through the process. All the women were shocked, I think because it’s been 5 minutes and I would barely believe any of these couples are even friendly, let alone about to get married. But as Osher said, “Being halfway through is a landmark occasion” (??) so some of the women got to go on a special group date, where their best friend would come for a visit and find out which bachelor they are dating. One of the women (don’t know her name sorry) had her guy best friend come (gay??), and he said this:

MOST ANNOYING