All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during episode SEVEN of The 3achelors

apparently it's playtime

You ever heard the urban myth about how some dogs are so stupid that they will chase a ball until they drop from exhaustion? That’s what recapping this show is starting to feel like. They just keep throwing the ball and Bec and I go running after it, ears flapping, hearts pounding, tongues flopping out the side of our mouths.

I said to Bec last night that sometimes her writing is funniest when she is at her most deranged, but I’m not sure if that’s something we should rely on. But let’s hope this is a truthful maxim, because I feel just wild, like I’m being put into a weird experiment and scientists are watching me and writing down notes, and NOT in a sexy way this time.

I think a lot of it is because I don’t like these men, and not only are we more than halfway through the season somehow, I don’t think they’ll form genuine relationships with anyone. I also don’t wish them happiness. The more I am subjected to this, the more I am getting filled with spite for these people. It’s also hard to be invested when this season has been treated like an embarrassing afterthought, and there’s rumours that all the Bachelors have been reprimanded after the show finished shooting for being on the apps and stuff.

It really is baffling what is going on with this. I feel like the new format could have been fun, but they needed to invest in it/ have some better people?

even the contestants are bored out of their minds

I just don’t think we’ve had a single episode that’s actually about two people feeling anything for each other. It’s been inter-contestant drama, it’s been love songs to a drum set, it’s been the world’s longest and wrongest explanation of an open relationship… I guess when there’s no smoke, there’s no fire, so they have to just focus on all the other stuff. It’s like in animal documentaries where they’re like “here comes a lion to the watering hole… which of these animals will it kill” and then it just has a bath, and the narrator has to be like “usually a lion will kill up to 17 buffalo a day, in an orgy of destruction… but not today… today it is having a drink”.

but felix does kiss like he is a hyena eating an old dead hippo

ANYWAY. Let’s find out what the hell is happening tonight. Let’s rank.

LEAST ANNOYING

Thomas and Lauren

There is not really much in this episode that didn’t give me the utter shits! So what happened, and this is comprehensive, is that all three boys took some women to an abandoned strip club, probably in the middle of the day, and they had some drinks. Then they went back to the Bachelor Pad, and had a swim in the pool. Then the next day it was a group date to a winery, where, and I cannot stress this enough, the only thing that happened was that they talked about the night before.

Then it was a rose ceremony the episode ended.

ANYWAY.

Thomas and Lauren were unfortunately very relatable to me, during a certain time in my life. Also - Lauren? She is a person. At one point Thomas says about her “where have you been all this time. Who are you?” And he means it in a wondering, marvelling way, because he felt so connected to her. But also, literally: who are you.

I’m lauren, I’m 28. Survivor starts Jan 30.

They spent the entire time at the single date talking about how much they’ve grown since their respective breakups. And unfortunately, I’ve had dates where you just end up talking about your exes all night, it’s relatable! But it also means they are not ready for firm commitment yet lol.

And then - they got into the pool to have a glass of wine, saw Felix and Tilly being absolutely disgusting, and were like “let’s get out shall we”. Relatable! I also wanted to leave after seeing that. Unfortunately I am contractually obligated to keep watching (Bec is the only who “forces” me to endure this heterosexual nonsense, she will break my spindly little bones with a big rock from new zealand).

“I’ve just realised we’re essentially ingredients in a big soup with Felix’s dick”

“we must leave”

The dialogue editor of The Bachelors

I’m not even mad, I’m impressed. Whoever this person is, they are working so hard to cut together completely random bits of dialogue and trying to force it into some drama. Literally half of what Krystal is “saying” in this episode, her mouth isn’t even moving at the same time.

MOST ANNOYING