All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during episode ELEVEN of The 3achelors

Legs eleven!!!

Hello and welcome to the penultimate episode of The 3achelors!!! Penultimate? more like Ultimate-pen(alty)! Watching this! Not sure I pulled that off but you’ll have to forgive me: the television show The Bachelors is trying to strip me of my energy, my brain, my soul, and my spirit. It was only 15 minutes into innocently watching this episode that I realised it goes for TWO HOURS. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced two hours, but it’s a really long time, and there is no world that a NON-FINALE should go for that long, and I’m going to send a strongly worded letter to the ombudsman.

But it’s okay, it makes sense. This episode actually had to go for this long in order to fit in an hour of the stupidest polyamory conversation you’ve ever heard in your life. They could not lose one single second of the vital and interesting conversation we had the pleasure of watching. It was educational, they should wheel it out to play at schools to teach children about healthy forms of relationships. Just kidding! I’m using the humour of SARCASM, if you weren’t picking that up.

Uh oh, I think I am beginning to display the first symptoms of Recapper’s Madness. It’s hereditary in my family :( My great great grandfather recapped that movie where the audience thought the train was coming out of the screen at them. Then he got recappers madness, and was never the same.

the train wasn’t real, but the pain was….

Patrick also has Recappers Madness but it presents differently in him, it just makes him buy new and even more beautiful fancy boy clothes. Anyway this episode was the traditional final two ‘hometown visit’, except in this kwazy new season, there was another amazing twist! Instead of having budget to transport contestants around the country to their home towns, the families of each side of the couple both came to one of the three Gold Coast locations the show has access to, and would meet at the same time! So we had parents meeting, siblings meeting, and of course Damian, Jessica’s boyfriend was there.

So let’s get into this, the second last episode of this season that started approximately five minutes ago. One thing I can say about this season is that there has always been plenty to write/complain about, so that’s something! Oh no, looking n the bright side is one of the final symptoms of Recappers Madness :(

Let’s get into it!

LEAST ANNOYING

Angela’s dad

Angel’s parents came to meet Jed and his family, and for the first ten minutes of this I was deeply confused about who Angela is, as seen in my notes:

Anyway tennis woman is still there, and she’s very very beautiful and seems nice!

she’s trying to remember what he looks like from their one interaction

I truly barely remember seeing her face this entire time, and now she is one of the final two with Jed, so you’ll have to excuse me if I can’t muster excited feelings for their possible upcoming proposal. Because it would be insane. The important thing, however, is that her dad was SO cute. He took Jed aside and said that he doesn’t judge a book by its cover, and that all he wanted to know if Jed is a good bloke who will respect his daughter. I’m not confident in either of those, but Dad seemed convinced, and then he cried, and it was sweet.

i would also be crying for different reasons

He seems like a lovely man. We love dads!

Jed’s mum

We also love mums! Jed brought his mum and brother to meet Alésia and Angela (who?), and she seems like an absolute angel of a woman.

me in every situation

She was really open to meeting the women, and kind and lovely to them, but she also defended Jed at one point, saying that she would never tell her boys who they should love or choose to be with.

Okay crying, we love mums! Even though her undying love and support is probably partly why Jed is annoying, I can’t blame her. Also, I have to say I have liked Jed a bit more in the last couple of episodes, for various reasons. He is young and stupid and definitely should not be on this show, but his interactions with his family made him seem a lot more normal and funny.

Also I haven’t got screengrabs of all the times, but I think in at least three episodes Jed has made some sort of comment about the kind of glass he is drinking from. He is very impressed by glasses, or he is awkwardly desperately tying to make conversation - and either way, I like it.

he’s a glass is half full guy when it comes to glasses

Thomas

Thomas did the very smart thing of avoiding having to deal with anyone’s parents, by deciding that he didn’t need to do hometown visits because he already knows which woman he’s going to choose. Instead, he had his mother come to visit and he cried.

mother

I don’t really like Thomas, I am skeeved out by his insistence on building a baby from scratch and the strange way he talks about it, combined with his handsome cult leader vibe - I’m deeply wary. I also assume he’s going to choose the 24 year old blonde woman, but I could be wrong! In any case he’s on the Least Annoying list simply for not making me endure another set of awkward family meetings. Thanks Tommy!

MOST ANNOYING