All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during episode NINE of Fboy Island

it's the episode where they get to fuck

Hi, hello, hi, SO sorry I’m late (please read this in the voice of your mum’s friend who turns up to coffee 15 minutes late with your mum, who happens to hate tardiness). This week it was MY turn to have a deadline, so we’re a little behind on the recaps. But I also don’t think it particularly matters!

OK, so last week I thought I was doing the penultimate episode, but i was wrong, but this week I am CONFIDENT. This is the penultimate episode. This is the episode where they are allowed to fuck, but just in case you are wondering, we never get confirmation that they do.

Very coy!

this is literally the end of a john mulaney joke

Anyway, I am glad that we are reaching the end because I spent the first half of this episode really feeling like they’d run out of material. It had the same energy that old sitcoms would have when they did nostalgia eps, full of clips of old things that happened. Abbie made them all play something called MANSPLAIN, where all the boys got to spill any tea they had about the men that the ladies had chosen.

this show has fun

However, this is all stuff that happened earlier in the show, often in the first few episodes, which we haven’t really been able to forget, so it all felt pretty repetitive.

That said, it was funny watching all the guys call Vernon a wanker.

But the second half of the episode featured “overnight dates” with the boys, and even thought there was no confirmation that any fucking happened, it was more interesting. I am KEEN for the finale. I don’t think they’ve got the formula for this show down perfect, but I am gagged at how unsure I am over whether or not one of these girls is going to get screwed over. The premise… the premise is strong.

My delightful friend Bec will be back for the finale, as is culture. But first, let us recap.

if i can give any reality tv producers some advice, always cast someone with iconic facial expressions

LEAST ANNOYING

Justin

So the gotcha that they’re trying to use to add drama to the Justin/ Sophie choice is that on the very first episode, he said “nobody is really catching my eye tonight”, which is a stretch at drama imho. It's fine to not have an instant overwhelming attraction, and he wasn’t saying that he thought they were ugly or bad. However, everyone is like “just own up to it, be a man about it” - but Justin keeps being like “lol i don’t even remember” which… is honestly relatable.

Meanwhile, all the boys have literally ganged up on him, all because they have bro erections for Sophie’s other choice, Joshy, whose blank confused eyes are giving me “someone who accidentally burns down something important”. They all love him because they think he’s “hilarious” which is saying class clown to me. And class clowns are never funny, they just know the most austin powers quotes.

the first people to find out how lamps work

Cory

You might remember that Cory’s one narrative fboy moment is potentially lying about his age - is he 32, or is he 35. Hilarious that this is even a thing. Anyway, this comes back, this is discussed, Ziara is currently choosing between him and Izaya. I like Izaya, but he comes across as fairly immature. Devoted fuckboy Clay said that Izaya agreed to “hit the town with him” afterwards, which he implied meant “hooking up with chicks”, but he never said as much. Regardless…

Anyway, something has annoyed me about Cory for this entire time. Is it the fact he keeps calling himself a feminist? Partially. I think that he’s not a fuckboy, or even a bad guy, I just think he might be a bit cringe. Like, Ziara is always saying how smooth and confident he is, but I feel like he is just confidently saying cringe stuff, like “those lips are nice” and “as a feminist”. That’s my verdict! Cringe but not bad.

you can! he’s just cringe

MOST ANNOYING