All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during episode EIGHT of The 3achelors
Tash is BACK! oh wait. ok
Wow we’re back, and can you believe the finish line is within sight? It’s hard to believe for two reasons – they’ve rushed the show out so quickly, and nothing has happened! Wow, quick and non-eventful? Sounds like what hollywood has taught me is like sex with a straight man! hahahaha, I should do standup in the 90s.
Anyway, we also know that there’s no genuine connection between any of the Bachelors and any of these long-suffering women, so they’ve pulled out the big guns and released three starving panthers into the mansion. No, I am kidding, they don’t have the budget for that! So they brought back Tash, the woman nobody likes.
This commitment to drama in this series is my least favourite thing so far.
Bec and I haven’t even really touched based about our thoughts in general - we don’t have the time, we’re pulling double shifts at the idiot factory. We have hungry mouths to feed (our own) and we could complain, but complainin never changed nothing, so we just have to roll up our sleeves and get it done! I feel like we have gone from simply excellent friends to the deeper and more nuanced connection of co-workers. And that’s beautiful.
Anyway, if I take any longer introducing this recap, the season will be over. So let’s rank!
LEAST ANNOYING
Tash
This is the SECOND time I’ve put Tash in the least annoying column, and hilariously, it’s for the same reason. She didn’t annoy me, because she left. That’s right, in a hilariously anti-climactic twist, they brought her back, only for Jeb to quickly boot her.
Hooray!
It’s a dire sign for the show that all the sizzle for this episode was about a less than 5 minute section of the show. But, it’s good, because I didn’t want to deal with the entire rest of the episode being about her.
Even the small amount of time we got with her was incredibly annoying - her claiming that all the girls hated her because they were “intimidated by her confidence”. No my love, you’re just unpleasant to be around!
Anyway, let us not dwell, this is the least annoying section. She left. That is not annoying.
Courtney
Whomst is Courtney, you may ask? Precisely. “I haven’t taken Courtney on a single date or a group date yet” says Jeb.
My brother in chris, it’s the final week of the show, how is this possible? In fact, this entire episode - which once again just to meander through various beachy locations, with everyone just kinda hanging out, where is my STRUCTURE, where is my FORMAT, oh my god i’m such a Virgo - featured lots of people panicking about the fact they’ve essentially never met the bachelor. It’s a huge L for the show tbh.
Anyway, Courtney and Job hang out. I can’t remember what happened, but i’m not annoyed at her, and I also think she may have just had a wonderful time getting paid to hang out at the mansion and not see any of these awful boys? Win.
Abigail
You know, every so often you get a moment so weird on this show, and you remember why we watch it in the first place. Abigail is the cat mother that you may remember from the beginning, where she had her cat. Felix takes her to high tea - a hilarious concept, considering he just heard of tea. It was also stupendously windy, which is neither here nor there.
Anyway, Abigail immediately informs Felix that she has a massive phobia of tomato sauce, and that she has seen therapists about it, and that she will vomit if he doesn’t move the sausage rolls immediately. She is 100% serious, there is no aspect of joke here. Beautiful.
Then, they go back to the Bachelor pad and Felix surprises her with a coat for her cat, and then, and THEN, a Facetime with her cat. If I wasn’t 100% sure that it was all set up by a producer who actually has a soul and a working brain, I would think this is almost sweet of Felix.
Anyway, it was a fucking bonkers date and I loved it.
MOST ANNOYING
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