All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during the FINAL episode of The 3achelors

And just like that it was over... like a summer storm... full of brief sound and fury, then only to evaporate forever

I’ve never recapped a show this quickly, I honestly am shocked at how incredibly fast and rushed it all felt, but also how extremely little happened. Who are these people, what happened to them, and what is in store? We’ll never know. It feels like they will make the least impact upon society and culture of any Bachelor franchise ever, and I’m not entirely mad about that. None of these men will end up on KISS FM as a mid-morning radio host: Jeddy and Flogga in the mornings.

So one thing I want to touch upon is that Bec and I, in our inimitable fashion, tend to focus on the flaws of this show. We always have - but at the same time, we enjoy it, and we celebrate it. It’s fun to watch! It’s not rocket science, and not everything needs to be rocket science. It’s not quite a love/hate relationship, but it is your toxic friend who always brings out the worst in you, who you also love and have a great time with.

Anyway - we’ve been talking about how rushed and shallow and silly this new format ended up being, after initially being very into the shakeup. I think all up, that the impulse was correct, that the formula needed some change after a decade on Australian television. I just think that the three Bachelors were unfortunately kinda duds, and the one thing the show relied on: actual connection and romance, suffered from the rush and the cutbacks. There’s a compromise that can be made, surely!

all of us getting rushed through a 8 week season in 3 weeks

But also, I went on ABC Melbourne last week and people kept calling in saying how much they LOVE the new formula. Am I out of touch? No it’s the children (millennials entering their forties) who are to blame. I’ve also seen this reflected in the comments sections on social media. People frothing the change! I guess their whole goal was to be more like MAFs (horrific drama, no redeeming features), and people who like MAFs also like this? Idk. IDK!!!!! It hasn’t really been reflected in the ratings, and judging from how few instagram followers everyone is getting (as reported by the wonderful Bachelor of Hearts podcast), it doesn’t seem to be getting mass appeal?

Bachelor of Hearts Podcast 🌹🌹🌹 @BOHpod

I checked everyone from #TheBachelorsAU’s follower counts at 7pm and again at 9:15pm to see who gained (or lost) the most followers while the finale aired. The leads and their chosen women were big winners, but the biggest follower increase? Belonged to TASH CANDYCE

I hope this isnt the end of the franchise in Australia - although with the news that streaming services need to have a percentage of Aussie shows moving forward, even if 10 dumps Bachie, someone else might pick it up for cheap.

Anyway! It’s the finale. These men have to propose to one of these women, who we all barely know. It’s going to be ludicrous! I can’t wait. Let’s rank one last time for The 3achelors

LEAST ANNOYING

What if it was a Bachelor just for the fellas?

Look i’m sorry, but NONE of these relationships make any sense, none are believable, and there’s STILL a woman whose name I do not know, and I think is named Lucy????????

But one thing I do believe is that these men - all different, all horrible in a broad spectrum (jed is kinda fine I guess, Thomas handsome but evil, Felix gutter scum) - have learned to almost… love… each other? As I look back over the season, more than any time with any one woman, they were all there for each other, living together, talking over the nuances and inanities of their various dating lives.

i’ve never wanted three guys to kiss less in my life

I believe that they truly appreciate each other in some way, and that this show has failed to create romances, and instead fostered a beautiful male friendship. I also don’t think straight cis men should have friendships with only each other, because it gives me bad vibes, but that’s what they served!

Abigail

So Abigail, (British, cats) was dumped by Felix this episode, which already means she won big time. Babe, I’d be buying a lottery ticket, someone is smiling down on you (it’s Osher, he’s on the balcony).

or it was the paparazzi drone they inexplicably kept in this edit (perhaps as a way to show us that people do watch it?)

But apart from that, she also just managed to get a couple of absolutely slay lines in, most of which were in a conversation with Jessica, where she confronts her about the whole fake open relationship nonsense. I hate the drama of this season, but I do enjoy the catharsis of this moment. They re-tread the whole polyamory nonsense, and Abigail cracks it after she talks about wanting Damien but also being scared to not have him if it doesn’t work out with Felix, and Abigail snaps:

“That’s ridiculous, get a vibrator”.

congratulations on the Lovehoney partnership you’re about to get babe

A truer statement has never been said on this show - and is in fact the moral of this entire franchise.

Alesia

Jed, after telling Angela that he’s in love with her, then does a very confusing turnabout and breaks up with her. More on that later. But then Alesia, who has already created firm boundaries and said she doesn’t want to get engaged, is chosen by our boy musician. She stays true to those boundaries, despite Jed using a bunch of weird Christian commitment phrases, and basically rebrands the engagement ring as a commitment ring, which let’s be honest, is exactly what always was anyway, showing us that she was completely right in staying true to her boundaries, because she won the show anyway. A win! For boundaries!

I think it still reflects badly on Jed, the fact that he listened to her and basically disregarded it to get what he wants, but I doubt they are still together.

She also looked slay.

The paparazzo drone

I wish I was the drone… able to fly away…

bye…

MOST ANNOYING