All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during episode ONE of the first season of The Bachelor
we're going back in time.... to 2013... excavating some classic heterosexuals from days of yore
Oh my god, we’re in our TIME TRAVEL era, chronology is our toy, reality something to ignore, Bec and I are just like Doctor Who and his companion, which I believe is exactly like our energy, getting into a big box and going places. In fact, i believe doctor who is a great representation of all queer friendships (going to a lot of different places and making comments about them), except for the prohibitive amount of running that they do.
We are recapping SEASON 1 of The Bachelor Australia, going all the way back to 2013. I never watched this season. It was years before I started working as a journalist, and years before I got reality-tv pilled as a result of working in yoof media. I cannot stress enough how little I know about this season, or this man.
What was I doing in 2013? What did the world LOOK like then? Did we still have skinny jeans? I think we still had skinny jeans… I was working as a captioner for the ABC in 2013, as well as doing internships to try and get into the world of book publishing. For much of this year, I remember I would work for free in the day, then go and caption until late in the night, and then go home and sleep. I remember being very tired and isolated. Anyway, I can tell you that as a result, I was not plugged into anything remotely pop culture at the time. I do not know how this season impacted the culture… but it must have done well, as the franchise flourished.
It’s going to be interesting contrasting and comparing to the latest season of The Bachelors, where the vibe is very much that the franchise has gotten boring and stale and needs reinvigoration. It actually looks like the ratings prove that The Bachelors are on the right track, but i’m keen to remember what we’ve lost along the way… I am keen to find out what era of hair Osher has.
If you’re just starting out with us, welcome to our recaps. They are called All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure, and we watch shows and endure nonsense, usually from heterosexuals. My recap partner is TV’s favourite lesbian Bec Shaw, whose most recent credit was being a voice on the other end of Nina Oyama’s phone on Taskmaster, and she absolutely ate that role up. It was huge Meryl Streep vibes (in the sense that I can also imagine Meryl Streep being on the phone). Bec is currently in New Zealand, dodging natural disasters.
What we do is rank the things that annoy us least to most - the annoyance spectrum - and forget every person’s name.
So let’s get started.
LEAST ANNOYING
Tim Chiropractor
So, let’s meet our Bachelor. His name is Tim Robards, and he is a chiropractor from Newcastle in NSW. He is objectively an attractive man, big handsome muscle boy, slow moving. He doesn’t seem to be a man of great emotional range, which is fine - when he’s introducing himself, he talks about how he has experienced heartbreak in a previous relationship, making the bold statement that:
“ I have had my heart broken… when you want something so badly and it doesn’t work out… it can get you down a little bit”.
It can get you down a little bit, Tim. You’re not wrong.
We’re introduced to him as a handsome man who loves his family and his life, and just wants a beautiful woman to spend it with. He’s very much a type of fantasy that I can see the attraction to (not my fantasy, but that’s ok, it’s not all about me).
He has in no way annoyed me yet, he just seems calm and also fully aware of what’s going on, in a way that screams “my brain isn’t broken”. I may be wrong, we may be proven wrong together, because men love to let us down.
My toxic trait is that I have gone to chiropractors all my life after I fell out of a tree onto my head (people all around the world are screaming AHA as they hear my origin story) and compacted by top three vertebrae in my neck. The good ones are always surprisingly calm, good-natured people, and Tim gives me that energy. There is also something comforting and sexy about a man who can crack you like a whip, and do it for health reasons.
Also, I just looked him up on Wikipedia, and apparently he was a castmember on Neighbours after this, which is good for him. Also, we apparently went to the university of wollongong at the same time. I doubt he did a lot of day drinking at the uni bar, so I probably never met him.
The red carpet
The majority of this episode took place on the red carpet, where we got to see Tim meet a bevy of blonde women whose names I will soon forget. We didn’t get a red carpet in The Bachelors, and I’m here to say: I like it. I miss it. Bring it back.
I was surprised at how many of the tropes were already there - clearly The Bachelor AU came loaded with expectations from the US, and there was **knowledge** of how to do a red carpet. Someone gave him a crystal, someone gave him a cupcake, someone did a little salsa dance. But it also felt UNSPEAKABLY awkward, and showcased how… uncharismatic Tim is (not in a bad way, just in the sense that he’s a normal guy). He did a lot of “you’re dazzling in silver” or “wow pretty in pink” and he got a lot of “you’re a hunk aren’t you” or “a tall glass of water”. Definitive statements… devoid of charm or connection. Makes it more notable when he did click, and have a sense of easiness with someone. That’s actually important and good.
This era of Osher hair
I like it! it has echoes of the surfer persona that he used to be, but is clearly moving into the dapper menswear gent phase.
I feel like these days, blonde, longer haired, hosting a comedy show with my friend Clare Cavanagh, which you should all buy tickets to, he’s reclaiming some of that earlier era. I like this one… transitional, a hint of things to come.
MOST ANNOYING
Ali the Bachelorette
Oh ok, this was a GAG. I’m looking at this very intense blonde woman and thinking, gosh, she’s like the quintessential Bachelor contestant, big eyes, weird vibes, blonde - and then after a while I realise that I know her.
It’s Ali Oetjen, who was on SEASON 4 of The Bachelorette. Now, I recapped this season, so you’d think I’d pick her faster, but like always, I’ve retained almost nothing, and am proud of that. My memory of that season is that she was kinda fun and fit but a bit bland? Maybe? I’ll have to go back and read my own recap.
In this season, she doesn’t annoy me so much as surprises me by being super goofy. She clearly got her head around being media since this.
First, she made me cackle by going on to the red carpet and speaking German to Tim. I don’t want to be racist (patrick lenton CANCELLED) but I think German may be the least sexy language on this earth, and it didn’t sound like she was saying something romantic and coy to him - it sounded like she was ordering him to launch missiles at London.
“I’m half guten tag, half g’day” she says.
She also causes SCANDAL by going in for a kiss at the cocktail party. This isn’t really noteworthy these days - I’m pretty sure Felix impregnated someone at the first cocktail party, so times have moved on (also side note, i had to google the names of The Bachelors, my brain is amazing at just jettisoning all this info). It was interesting how much Tim was not keen on it. You don’t get these kinds of… crossed wires anymore. Everyone’s too savvy about what the established dos and donts are.
But mostly, Ali surprised me by just being super goofball into things. “love is probably the most important thing in my life” she says, and you can see the narrative being built for her this second. I think I might be more interested in her than I am in Tim.
The jellyfish flap dress
Remember when THIS dress was in vogue? I try to keep my criticisms inside me, so they fester and eventually all come out at once during a disastrous pinter-esque dinner party, like a good Virgo - but who decided this little jellyfish moment was flattering???? 2013 obviously did, because everyone was wearing a variation of this dress.
The natural girl
I’d FORGOTTEN about the era of the natural girl. Tim keeps complimenting various of the women by being like “wow, they’re so beautiful, they seem really fun, and interesting, and friendly, and yeah - they also seem really natural”.
These are women painted to absolute gawd, their faces beat with the finest 2013 powders, and this stupid man is fooled into believing they are “natural”.
“She’s a beautiful girl, looks like jessica rabbit, and seems very natural” - ah yes, the famously natural Jessica Rabbit????
It goes beyond makeup though - it’s also “genuine”, this idea that there is a desirable lack of artifice in these women. Truly this was the era where women had to do it all - they had to be sexy and exciting and smouldering and perfectly made up, but also not overtly look like that, and also somehow act like they weren’t. It’s an old concept… and i do not miss it. Although it was funny how completely bamboozled straight men were by various foundations.
Never to Annoy or Not Annoy Again
Joelienene
omg… joelene… i’ve heard so much about you from my good friend Dolly Parton.
I was SHOOK to discover that the villain archetype of this season was booted in the first episode. The Tash type, who is abrasive and insecure and competitive, but frames it around things like being “confident” and “speaking her mind”, just jettisoned before we can even get sick of her?
More of that please.
\Joelene was unrepentently awful, and Tim was not keen on it lol. She was also from the Sutherland Shire, which made a lot of sense to me, as someone who grew up there and got to experience the utter VICIOUS homophobia from the girls there. I recognised her all right. Anyway, she’s gone.
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And that’s the recap! I hope you enjoyed coming back down memory lane with us, I certainly did. Bec will do next week’s episode! And a big thank to our pals at Bachelor of Hearts Podcast, who we literally could not do this series without, but I cannot legally say why. Go and follow their podcast, and you could even listen back to THEIR episodes as a companion to these!
The first two of this new season will be free, then subscriber only, as is tradition. Thank you to the people who have subscribed, it makes all the difference in the world to us, and we have lots of good content this year.
Okay I have to admit I was slightly skeptical about back in time recaps but it totally works and I love it. Also the natural beauty thing is fascinating and oh my god does it explain how we millennials are broken by the popular culture eras we have been simmered in