All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during episode FIVE of Fboy Island

They threw a talent show and managed to broadcast the ick over the entire world

Oh hello! I didn’t see you there, because my jaw dropped open so widely during this episode that a small family of rats crawled inside and live there now, and they popped my eyes out in order to do a kind of gritty ratatouille situation. 100% true. Thanks Abbie, thanks for creating a situation so weird and funny that I opened my mouth too wide and now i’m being evil-ratatouilled.

ANYWAY. This show is really fun, I know we’ve talked about it before, but it’s absolutely brilliant to get a bunch of men who pride themselves on being manipulative game players and then essentially put them in an endurance test, with everyone watching and waiting for them to fuck up - and make fun of them when they do. This SHOW is at the mens expense, and it’s sometimes glorious.

its funny because they didnt know what an erogenous zone was

Now, you’re probably asking (crying, screaming) where is Bec Shaw? Well it’s simple, she’s wearing a huge floppy red hat and stealing the world’s monuments. No, Bec has another deadline so she had to skip a recap, and you’ve been left with me, the spare. But don’t worry, I’ve decided to co-write this recap with my best and most authentic impersonation of Bec. We’ve been friends for so many years now, I think I can reflect her humour, her light, her bounteous love for the world, so this should be a slam dunk.

BEC SHAW: Thanks Patrick. 9/11 and the moon landing were both faked. You look handsome today.

OK great. This episode mostly revolved around a TALENT SHOW, which as you can imagine, was perfect viewing. Spoiler, nobody had any talent. A bunch of the “male performers” attempted Magical Michael style chair dancing, but in every way that Channing Tatum was hot and sexy, they were weird and sexually gross. Also there were poems. It was… a time. It’s must see television. Afterwards, one of the guys said “Tbh after watching the talent show, now i want to actually find a talent” which I thought was funny.

this show knows what it is and what it is doing and i love that

Let’s go.

BEC SHAW: the only talent i respect in men is when they do close-up magic and disappear forever.

LEAST ANNOYING

Cory

Basketballer Cory managed to get into Ziara’s bad books this episode, because Caleb decided to DROP A TRUTH BOMB at the elimination. That inflammatory truth? That Cory had LIED about his age, saying he is 32, rather than his real age… 35.

Now I understand that any lies are a red flag in relationships, and in a show that rewards BASIC suspicion, doubly so. But also, as someone who has always considered age more of a guideline (like a use by date), and who was 31 for 6-7 years, I just think this is funny. Why lie about being 32 instead of 35, they are the SAME AGE.

Anyway, Cory also did some fun ball tricks at the talent show, and it was probably the only talent, so good for you.

BEC SHAW: If he had some some netball moves I would have been impressed

tfw you are 35

Nick

Look, I’m not a massive fan of Nick, but I do think his only real flaw is being as stupid as a bag of rocks thrown into a shallow pond. Oh also Nick is back. He came back last episode, and I don’t know why.

It’s hard to tell how much any of these men are performing, are essentially masquerading as decent humans. The thing about Nick is that if he was trying to pretend, every choice he makes is baffling and cringe. Being stupid doesn’t make you a good person, but it does make you more transparent. He has two nicknames in the house apparently: “cuddlebear” which he is proud of, and “Big Dick Nick” which… honestly the homoeroticism of straight men will never cease to baffle me.

just before this shot they were giving each other a centipede massage

In the talent show, he tried to sing a little song, and it was just… so bad and earnest.

im literally begging for Wonderwall

Fun story - I got offered an interview with the men from FBoy Island and I said no, because I just spent a whole paragraph calling one that is in the LEAST ANNOYING column “too stupid to be a fuckboy” lol.

BEC SHAW: I don’t think women should be able to vote!

Ziara

Look, Ziara is young, and a queen, and I really found it endearing when she talked about how she’s been single for nine months, and has really found some “independence”. And the main symptom of that: changing her own tyres.

One, how many times has she had to change a tyre in the last nine months? You’re doing something wrong. And even though I’ve been single for years at a time, I have never changed a tyre, or have any idea of how to do it, so I guess I’ve never known independence.

BEC SHAW: I’m TYRED of this recap.

turns out that was never going to be an issue