All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during episode FOUR of The 3achelors
Het n Wild
Hello! Welcome to the second week and approximately six thousandth episode of The 3achelor! I don’t know why they are forcing us to put our lives, jobs, loved ones, and sanity on the line in order to watch a movie length episode of this show every single night of our lives, but I am currently enduring it as if I am involved in some sort of social experiment about the mental fortitude of lesbians.
Just let me watch one episode of a show a week, and I will enjoy it! You’re forcing me to spend time with some of the worst men in the universe multiple times a week, and it just won’t do. This is why it’s so important to have my trusty MAN sidekick Patrick Lenton here with me to help make sure I don’t go completely off the deep end and end up in a basement writing DIE ALL MEN over and over on the walls in my own shit. Patrick recently adopted a long boy in his own image named Basil, and I can self soothe during the show by looking at them.
Speaking of the ocean, did you know this season of the show is very different and shot on the Gold Coast? My favourite part of the episode was when Osher said “It’s so nice to feel the sun!”, in order to remind us that they are on the Gold Coast this season.
Anyway we are now onto episode FOUR! I can’t wait to see what hellish heterosexual moments I am about to bear witness to, unable to turn away. I hope I survive.
LEAST ANNOYING
QUEEN Yuri
There are various reasons I watch this show, most of which should probably be talked about to my therapist, but one of the reasons is never ‘getting satisfaction’. Due to the nature of heterosexual culture intersecting with the nature of reality tv, it is very rare that I am satisfied with an outcome, or a decision, or a choice on this show. Tonight, however, we experienced an incredible moment of satisfaction. That moment came from one wonderful woman named Yuri. The eponymous Yuri (I’ve decided).
She was paired with Felix, and clearly did not vibe. Earlier in the episode she had expressed distaste for how he was pitting women against each other (a funny thing to express considering what reality show you are on), but her big moment came in the rose ceremony when Felix called her name. She proceeded to tell him that she didn’t feel a spark with him, and that “there are certain qualities I desire in a man that you don’t possess.” Absolutely brutal, ice-cold, and perfect.
As he stood there in shock, she said “Good Bye” in the most perfect way, indicating she felt sorry for him, and she was above him. Then she left, her beautiful bow on display.
It was beautiful.
Bella
I think Bella is cool and fun, and her reactions from the couch when Yuri was rejecting Felix were amazing - she literally gave her a solo standing ovation.
The correct response. This is the energy we need in this show. More standing ovations for women who reject men! Positive reinforcement! Pavlov’s dumping!!
Jed/b
I’m not being funny, I cannot hold it in my head if this man is named Jeb or Jed, but what I do know is that he loves drumming. I am also surprised to find Jedb here, and don’t get me wrong - he still sucks. But he was normal about finding out Jasmine had an OnlyFans (or at least he didn’t care about her at all so didn’t care about that), and was also fine when she decided to not take his rose and to try and get a different one (also probably because he didn’t care about her so his ego wasn’t threatened). The main reason he is here that his date that was ‘very important to him’ was going to the Palazzo Versace hotel, getting a nice room, getting nails done, drinking champagne, and then hanging around the pool. Sounds great to me! I also hate to admit but I liked the black robes he probably insisted on because he’s too cool to wear white :(((
Can’t wait to see how he fucks me off immediately next episode!
MOST ANNOYING
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