All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during episode NINE of The Bachelorette

MUM'S THE WORD

THIS EPISODE WAS SO LONG. Why was this episode so friggen long! It was as long as a long movie, against my belief that all movies should go for 90 minutes or less. Who has time for this?? Ok clearly we all do. But still! I don’t even have time for any preamble where I complain about something, or find a visual comparison to Patrick Lenton, such as this fancy albino snake.

i’m sssssuffering ssseeeasonal depressssion

This week we are just going to get into it! It was an incredibly jam-packed episode, where some favourites to make it to the end absolutely crashed and burned in the matter of minutes. Or in a matter of several hours, as this episode was so long.

LEAST ANNOYING

Kurt

I know there has been a lot of himbo discourse around recently, but Kurt is absolutely a true and pure himbo of the likes we’ve never seen. I am always wary of men on this show, I think often we see men come on the show who say what they know the Bachelorette wants to hear, they are savvy about how they are coming off, and so they make it to the end even though they are not being completely truthful. I never felt this once with beautiful Kurt, who at no point could be thinking one or even two steps ahead, or even about the current step he’s doing at the time.

da vinki???

For the last group date, Brooke disrobes under a blanket, and has the gang paint her. But they are not meant to paint her at the time, they are meant to paint what they see on the inside or something. It seemed like a very stressful challenge, and I would have failed miserably as I showed Brooke my very best effort.

i’ll pack my bags…

Kurt is stressed but says he is concentrating and putting a lot of thought into it. He says “I have a lot of big ideas already circulating in my head” and then we immediately see him ask the group “does anyone know how to make the colour grey?”

kurt

I love him. Kurt got sent home in an elimination in the middle of the episode, which felt like watching Brooke send a golden retriever to “live on a farm.”

watching mum send my dog to the farm

But he handled it like a champ, saying he would like to be friends with Brooke after the show (queer dating vibes), and also making me laugh by getting into the car and saying ‘ok talk to you later…oh maybe.’

KURT!!!!