All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during episode THREE of The 3achelors

what is this, my year 12 class schedule? so much drama!

Channel Ten what is the RUSH. Calm down, learn to live in the moment, enjoy our time together, smell the weirdly wilted roses that you keep using in the rose ceremonies. Please! I am neglecting my beautiful partner and my long stinky son because you’re just releasing episodes at a breakneck pace.

So yes, we’re back, for episode three. Did you miss me? I don’t think you had time to miss me, i’m back in your inbox like a possum that you had to chase out of your room one night with a nerf gun, only for it to just come straight back in the next night (is this relatable? it happened to me).

I apologise that this recap is a day late, I wasn’t expecting for them to put out three episodes in a row (and another on sunday apparently, making it FOUR EPISODES IN ONE WEEK), and I had to see M3gan. I will write about M3gan next week once everyone in Australia has RUSHED out to see it, because it’s great and camp and a masterpiece of very funny horror.

Speaking of horror, let’s recap a Bachelor with THREE HORRIBLE BACHELORS. I hope that at least one of them is killed in a gory way by a doll. I’m aware that there’s some DISCOURSE around tonights show, but I won’t engage with it until we’re into the recap, so let’s go.

me, when i worked in youth media, trying to relate to my gen z staff

Rebachelor Shaw will be on deck on Sunday, she’s currently in New Zealand taking moody photos of cloudy beaches, so she’s clearly reverted back to being a goth teen, and i’m proud of her. I hope her mum isn’t being “uncool” and that she gets to enjoy a sneaky Bacardi Breezer soon.

This is what happens when you date a poet! Too many feelings.

Bec Shaw @Brocklesnitch

🥺

(sincerely bec is a gifted photographer, so now she’s good at three things: writing, photographing, and not knowing when hot women are into her)

OK LET’S RECAP.

LEAST ANNOYING

Krystal

Right so, this episode was non-stop drama. There was maybe a hot second where Thomas and some girl named Leah (I think) connected on a single date, over the fact that she had never fallen in love before. But it was like the merest whiff of romance, and i’m pretty sure it’s just setting up a situation where she’s going to be totally heartbroken by the end of this show.

So we’ll basically be talking all about the **drama** of this episode, and it’s unfortunately very MAFs reminiscent, in energy and theme.

But the saving grace is having someone like Krystal who is not only brave enough to call out people for shit behaviour, to their face, but who also just does really fantastic faces the whole way through the episode.

Her face is saying what we’re all thinking, and it does help.

me, realising my livelihood is bound up in a failing franchise

is this krystal remembering that she kissed Felix, the worst man on this show?

Jessica

So the first “scandal” from this very energetic episode is that Tash (you might remember her from the last recap as an Emerging Villain who is not named Trish) found out that Jessica is an open relationship. Sensing a moment to get an entire episode’s worth of camera attention, she immediately went and told Jib (who i keep forgetting is the bachelor she has her sights set on), who then told Felix (who is the one who invited Jessica onto the show).

CONFUSING.

Also this is definitely the first time i’ve ever seen this woman.

She’s breaking all the rules of being in an open relationship, by not IMMEDIATELY telling everyone around her all the time. Honestly, impressive that she lasted three episodes.

Jessica seems really lovely, and actually interesting, and was clearly waiting for a moment that wasn’t a cocktail party to share how her life worked with Felix. However, she clearly got screwed over by Tash, and then Felix, and really didn’t deserve any of it.

Jasmine

The second scandal, because one isn’t enough, also came from Tash, who just absolutely wasted no time in cementing herself into the villain role, and told the mansion that Jasmine has an OnlyFans.

It’s 2023, who DOESN’T have an OnlyFans? (I don’t, but that’s only because I just can’t take on another project! Between this newsletter, my job, and my recurring night terrors where I am much shorter than I am now and stuck in a little hole, I do not have TIME to sell photos of my feet!!!! But I respect those who do!!!!!)

you, looking at my beautiful sexy feet

But regardless, it shouldn’t have been used as a weapon against her, and it shouldn’t have been used to try and shame her.

But she also didn’t take shit, and totally called Tash out, and did not budge an inch. It was pretty great, lots of iconic lines. “You’re embarrassing yourself” she said, and it was true.

“Can he not see that she is a sociopath”

”The fact that Tash completely threw Jessica under the bus and now my information got shared without my permission, it’s so unbelievably disgusting to see someone act like that,” Jasmine said in a confessional.

I gotta say though - she’s gonna make BANK after this, because this is now a highly promoted OnlyFans, and good for her!

MOST ANNOYING

Tash