All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during episode FOUR(?) of Married at First Sight

now it's time for patrick

Hello my loves and secret enemies - here i am, and here you are. It’s time that we are married… at first sight.

I want you to know that this show has always been terrifying to me. My gorgeous colleagues at the pop-culture website Punkee (it’s like Junkee but way more p - also check out their new reality tv podcast), Tahlia, Tara and James, used to dread MAFS season like sailors keeping a weather eye out for typhoons - terrified, but also pragmatic, because they know they still have to sail out there and fish for clickies. I would do Bachelor season with them every year (although i was only ever really a tourist compared to them), and we would bond over the shared hardship. I knew how hard it was for them, the sleepless nights, the mental duress, the advanced osher syndrome that they would suffer. But that pain was NOTHING compared to MAFS season. I would watch these hardened veterans of dozens of reality tv seasons break down and weep by the end. I always thanked the gods (my boss robb stort) that Junkee’s audience didn’t care for MAFS, and I could focus on more important things (gilmore girls deep dives).

But now here I am. Voluntarily signing up for my very first MAFs season, because I love you all so much, and also hate myself just a tiny bit (a cool amount).

From what I understand, these couples get married immediately. From what I understand of marriage (which comes exclusively from british rom-coms), it is something that you do not rush into, until you’ve at least had an hour and a half of build-up, and one complication which is overcome. They’re doing it wrong, these mafs people!!!! But I guess that’s why we watch it.

Let’s dive into the cool and treacherous waters of heterosexual nonsense once again, and collectively, endure. If you’re unaware of the formula, each episode either myself or my partner in slime, bec shaw (we used to host the nickolodeon kids choice awards together) recap the show.

brocklesnitch

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We use the formula of “least annoying” to “most annoying” on a sliding scale of heterosexual nonsense. let’s go watch the show.

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ok i just watched the episode. christ this show sucks. I need to rethink my life.

LEAST ANNOYING

Ella and Mitch

In any other show, the audacity of this man to continually flaunt his pallid buttcheeks to the camera, cavorting all over the screen in a frenzied dance of insipid lust, hooting and hollering and desperate to rut, would have made me disgusted.

The fact that his vain little preenings and medium loaves of white bread that he calls his butt seem to be working for this woman, would have made me fall into an irrevocable spiral of depression.

for mitch, every shower is a bidet

I know nothing about these two. They seem to be pre-influencers, ready to make the plunge and influence, and all we see of them is outrageous acts of horniness. In any other show this would be awful.

In this godforsaken show, it’s like fine opera, like a chorus of woodwinds, like a sweet voiced boy singing in a cathedral. Yes so these vapid fools are horny for each other, yes they’re panting and pawing at the ground, their eyes bugging out of their head and tongues unrolling like carpet, screaming “awooga, awooga” at each other, steam jettisoning out of their ears. Yes this happens. And yes this episode ends with them finally fucking, the world’s most inevitable conclusion. And reader, i practically cheered, because in comparison to everyone else, this was romance, this was emotional caviar.

i want to die.

Domenica and Jack

These idiots are stupid, and this episode mostly consisted of them failing to understand each other, reconciling, but also being sweetly supportive and genuinely liking each other, in the way that two idiots who are stupid can often do.

They also randomly stopped to watch a sheep give birth. it was disgusting, but they were wildly into it. They described it as a “once in a lifetime experience”.

Anthony

Anthony honestly seems like a king, and his bride Selin, horrific and perpetuating really awful notions of toxic masculinity, constantly baiting and belittling him and saying things like “this isn’t how a man should act” when he expressed vulnerability and sadness. I’m not saying he acted perfectly - there was definitely some anger and frustration, but he tried to apologise and account for his own actions, and honestly just got nothing except pure spite and venom back.

you know if you dont like someone you can just leave

But what made me really respect this man is that he got sick of it, packed his bags, and left. Iconic behaviour, I wish all the contestants would leave. I wish I could leave.

Most annoying

Selin

As mentioned before, Selin is bad news. It’s just nonsense - if you dislike the guy this much, just… leave. Just break up, life is too short. Go torture animals or set fire to babies, or whatever it is you do to relax.

Cody

So, we didn’t get a lot of Selina and Cody this episode. Selina is not Selin. Cody is another man. I know!!! Already i’m sick and TIRED of all this.

But, Cody, for reasons unaccountable by a thinking person, told Selina that he doesn’t find her attractive, after the puppetmasters in control of this show sent him an evil box telling him to speak the truth.

I can’t imagine why you would ever be this rude. First off, Selina is absolutely gorgeous. Secondly, even if she wasn’t, it’s not like she can CHANGE what she looks like, so what value could there be? I would simply, like a gentleman say, “why you are simply divine, but i just remembered that I’m dying of liver (too much liver) and now must go and spend my final days in the alps, farewell, did i mention you look great?” and i would leave the show, never to return. That is better than this.

are you telling me this cheap Deadwood extra looking mfer has the audacity

Anyway, from the promos for NEXT episode, it seems like the whole reason he doesn’t find this beautiful woman is because she’s “Asian”, so yeah. This show is NOT great.

But also, if for some reason she still wanted to fuck this asshole who thinks she’s ugly, she dodged a bullet, because he gave her a massage and she kept being like “please… could you maybe try to be gentle instead of pounding me with your fists?” but instead he just kept reciting the names of muscle groups at her, and girl… that’s pretty telling for what he’d be like at sex (very bad, constantly reciting trivia).

i have seen chicken marinaded with more sensuality and care than this

Andrew

At the beginning of this episode, Holly was saying that her and Andrew had an intimate moment (they boned) and that they got along great and she was super happy. In the purest distillation of heterosexual nonsense I have ever been forced to endure, during the same evil box challenge as before, he told her that he did not find her sexually attractive.

What. what is with these men. im sorry. what. i dont

Once again, this is an objectively beautiful woman. Ah but it gets worse - because he’s not necessarily just saying that he doesn’t find her attractive, but that he thought she sucked in bed.

this man has simply never made another person orgasm without regret in his life

“so i’m great at sex” he says (I’m paraphrasing, I was eating pasta this whole episode so I couldn’t write down quotes) “I have had lots of sex, i like sex, i have a dick, i have fucked, and i use my dick to fuck. But when we had sex last night, I felt that you weren’t ‘present’ with me.”

My horrible red son, if you don’t think she’s present, then you stop what you’re doing and find out why, not wait until the next day to say it on camera and belittle her to a national audience. This is fucked up. This is outrageous. I want this man to accidentally be Operation Dumbo Dropped (i think it’s a movie where they throw elephants out of helicopters, but he’s the elephant. he’s the elephant bitch).

Good LORD why this woman wouldn’t simply walk away i will never understand. Once a man on a dating app baby negged me by saying “usually I don’t like men with blue eyes” and I told him he looked like a thumb putting on airs, then blocked him, then deleted the dating app, and then didn’t have sex for six months.

Anyway it was awful, I felt so sorry for her.

Never to annoy or not annoy again

is this segment even a thing we do anymore? Because anthony left, but i saw him back in the promo for the next episode, so… maybe we will have to retire this. whatever.

Anyway, thanks for coming on this journey. I feel DISGUSTING. I feel SAD. I hope my horror has been adequately transformed into comedy.

Bec Shaw will be back next week with a recap, which is always a huge treat. We’ll also be shifting back to subscription only posts then, so if you want to keep reading our descent into madness, we politely and with great thankfulness ask that you please subscribe! It’s such a huge honour and we appreciate it so much.