All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during THE LITERAL FINALE of The Bachelorette

AND...SCENE

Hello my dears!! My beautiful friends, and fellow Bachelorette travellers. Welcome to the last recap of the first ever bisexual Bachelorette! Can you believe we are here already?? I can’t!! Usually at the end of a season Patrick and I are haggard and tired and old, all of the precious nutrients and probiotics (not sure what these are) sucked out of our systems by the amount of heterosexual nonsense we have had to endure.

Me and Patrick in Osher’s hand

But heading into this finale we are feeling supple and young and plump, energised by the queer drama that has been injected into our bodies and brains.

patrick is on the right, he’s a little plump pervert

Before we get started, as you may or may not have read in Patrick’s recap of the second-to-last episode, I have been suffering from vertigo for about a week, and it is really unpleasant and has turned my brain into a frothy brothy soup. I consider this vertigomophobia, a word I have just invented to make the entire condition of vertigo about me specifically. So keeping that in mind, let’s get going. I can’t believe it’s over already, i’m crying.