All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during episode FIVE of The 3achelors

omg all the mean girls are gone

If someone doesn’t have a romantic moment soon I am going to go to the Gold Coast and treat someone nicely myself!!!! That’s what it’s going to take. Oh my god - I’m going to walk in there and nurture someone with my own two hands. God help me, I am going to be sweet to them, because I think they are great. Don’t make me do it!!!!!

Hello, and we are BACK for the fifth episode, a brand new week, and gosh so much has happened. Jeb became Harold. Thomas told us the key to happiness comes in several low-price instalments. And Felix got rejected on live TV by Yuri, and I’m sure didn’t learn a single thing from it. Now that I think about it, very little has happened. But what has happened has mostly been drama.

But that has never stopped us before. We have recapped vast and blasted wastelands of content, and we have thrived while doing it.

Us, when people say the franchise is going downhill

My wonderful partner in crime (straight terminology for “friend”) Rebecca Shaw has been staying up very late to recap these episodes, because she’s in New Zealand. I am grateful, because she’s the best at what she does (watching television and sobbing). You know, it’s hard to be a comedy writer sometimes, because you have to find jokes even when you’re just feeling shit. Luckily, I’m a psychopath, so I’m ALWAYS on. Ding ding ding ding!

Anyway, tonight there’s apparently three girls going home. That doesn’t surprise me. They should all leave. Yuri has already won this show. Go home!

Let’s rank.

LEAST ANNOYING

Tash, Marge, CJ

Wha-wha-wha? Tash, the designated villain of the entire show, and her Crabb and Goyle style flunkies who look exactly like her except they get different accessories, are in the LEAST annoying section? What a twist! What wild urge of philanthropy did Tash do, what hidden facet did I miss?

Lol no, they are still horrible, but they did the most amazing thing: they left the mansion. They yeeted themselves straight out of the show, in protest of Jasmine getting a rose from Thomas, apparently.

reality tv has taught me that “fake” is a dogwhistle for “I have acted badly and there are consequences”

It kinda looks like they expected to be stopped, that production would beg them to stay, that it would continue the drama in their favour. But no. Everyone just watched them leave, which led to:

now we just have to worry about the long hallways that just don’t quite make geometric sense, and the doorways that seem to lead nowhere, and the found footage… yeah I’ve read House of Leaves

Girl’s hanging out eating salad and living in the moment

In a scene extremely reminiscent to when the beleaguered villagers finally realise they are free from the yoke of… I dunno, a huge angry goose, or when Hobbiton is freed from Sharky, we got to see all the ladies in the mansion just have a lovely time and enjoying not having the mean girls around.

they threw Tash into the fires of Mt Doom

It was extremely funny, with everyone just constantly talking about how happy they are, dancing around the kitchen, eating brownies. Huge adult diaper ad vibes.

i’ll have what she’s having (schaudenfraude)

Krystal

Krystal was feeling sad because she hadn’t spoken to Felix since their original date, which I get in the abstract, but don’t understand in the specific because I would rather eat my own toenails that spend a moment with that man. But! She got him to herself at the beach lunch, and then they had some fun frolicking in the water in their clothes. It just made me enjoy her, and I just think she’s a lovely person! That’s it! As for Felix: stay away from her! get a job!

as long as she has fun i’m happy

MOST ANNOYING