All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during episode ONE of Fboy Island Australia

it's like jurassic park, but instead of dinosaurs it's men, and instead of wonder and awe, it's depression

May 29, 2023

Oh it’s been LONG between drinks, and Bec and I apologise for that. You’re thirsty, and we are tempting you with the long cold glass of milk that is our content, holding it just out of reach. But let’s not dwell in the past! You’re living in the past, what are you, a feudal lord? You want me to pay my taxes, milord? How dare you. This egg is for my hungry children.

Anyway, we’ve decided to recap Fboy Island Australia on Binge, the show that said “hey, we can’t spell out the word ‘fuck’ but we can create a mini beach mansion full of pictures, statues and prints of erect penises”.

I was thinking “hmm why am i here, and what mistakes led me to this life?”

Bec and I have been big Abbie Chatfield stans since her season of The Bachelor, and we feel a kind of quiet, unearned pride over her successes. You know that painting of the two miserable people standing out the front of the barn? Well, that’s Bec and I, and the barn is Abbie, except we’re not miserable, we’re just chuffed. So i guess nothing like that painting.

So, we thought we should continue to support this feisty up-and-comer by giving her the greatest gift of all: a platform on the world’s premier recap newsletter (it’s this one, that you’re reading right now).

It seems like this show is right up our alley - instead of treating hetero men and their NONSENSE as a bug, this show makes it a feature. The premise is, as far as I can understand, that half the men on this island identify as “nice” guys, while the other half self-identify as fuck boys. Say no to self id! There are three women, who are looking for love with someone who is not a fuck boy. So far, incredibly relatable scenes, I imagine. If each woman falls in love with a nice guy, they get to share $50,000 of prize money. However, if she falls for a secret fuck boy, HE gets control over the money, and could choose to take it all. A bit of an apt metaphor for what it’s like dating an immature, ego-driven fuckhead - you could be left with nothing, and it’s always on his terms.

I’m not sure if the show entirely works - you can give the women all the power, let Abbie make as much fun of fuckboys as she wants, and you’re still left with a bunch of super annoying men being super annoying. Also, as much as it seems vaguely empowering to the women, there’s still this weird… acceptance of men behaving badly, in the sense that they’ve encouraged it by finding people who either believe they are fuckboys or act that way. I don’t know. We’ll see.

Also, none of the men are attractive enough to make up for their personalities, imho.

So as per usual, we’ll do some ranking.

Charli XCX’s ‘Boys’ video clip except in an evil universe where the song is about how much we hate boys

LEAST ANNOYING

Sophie

Obviously the women contestants are the least annoying so far. Sophie is blonde, a DJ, and her often repeated backstory is that she hasn’t dated for three years, and hasn’t bonked in two, such is the number that fuck boys have done to her.

Unfortunately she immediately goes for some guy who looks like a thumb, who she says has “class clown energy”. Class clowns are always rampant fuck boys, and usually not actually funny, so this is… concerning to me. I think she’s going to be easily duped.

Ziara

Ziara is a self confessed “fuckboy lover”, and admits it’s a problem she has. She’s also stunning and only 21, so idk, maybe just worry about it all later? Don’t stress about it! Then again, going on a tv show called ‘Fboy Island’ is probably the most unserious thing you could possibly do.

Ziara is very funny: “One thing boys always do is slather on the cologne… to cover up their lies” she says, after identifying that the entire mansion smells like a boys locker room. Have I mentioned that this island seems like UTTER hell?

Anyway, I also think she could be duped.

same, but they also have to live under an opera and play the organ.

Molly

Molly is my favourite, because her tragic origin story is that she found her fiancee “bending an escort over his desk”. They’d also had sex only a few hours earlier. A lot of information to tell the world, but I get it. Molly is angry. Molly is still furious, and it SHOWS. She is here to fuck with some men, not find love.

“I didn’t come here for an STD” she says to Caleb, absolutely seeing through his lies (we’ll get to him in a second). Even in casual conversation, she seems poised to rip these idiots apart.

“where you from” she asks politely.

“new orleans” answers Caleb.

“thats fun” she says dismissively, cuttingly.

This is the only energy I respect on this show tbh.

these green screens are killing me, why is it giving zoom meeting

MOST ANNOYING

Every single man on this show

seriously. the nonsense. the heterosexual nonsense.

Mikey the accountant

This guy gives me bad vibes, and not just because he knows how to count real good (which is sorcery). The opening night party was given a very loose theme playing off the Met Gala, called the “meat gala”, so I guess the show is just as much to blame as he is, but he did say “24 sausages and three tacos at the meat gala” and it made me vegan.

Cory

There is ALWAYS someone who gets weird and jealous on these shows, despite signing up for them on their own volition and presumably understanding the rules. Drives me mad. But possessiveness while also loudly speaking about chivalry… huge red flag to me. Also, he got all up in arms over a misogynistic statement that Caleb made, but didn’t call him out about it at the time. Another red flag when they speak big and do nothing.

Caleb

OK, so on a TV show where about half the guys are meant to be villains, it’s pretty crazy when someone manages to distinguish themselves as THEE villain. But this is Caleb, who is completely up front to the camera about being a fuckboy, who is only there for the money, and who will lie to get what he wants. He’s also just unpleasant and narcissistic.

He has all the catchphrases “can i give you a hug” etc, as well as a backstory about having six sisters and a mother who taught him to respect women. 3/4 of the way through the episode, I really was convinced he might be an actor, or a healthy harold style warning of how not to act - but he still managed to FOOL Sophie, so reluctantly, I must admit that he is a real person, and I hate him.

Never to annoy or not annoy again

We lost two men… good riddance, and it ended on a cliffhanger between who would go - devoted fuckboy Caleb, or idiot disney prince Nick, who loves love, but also said “bros before hoes” and rightfully, the women are not ignoring that…

will they send this enormous yet cavernous skull home? tune in next week to find out

ANYWAY. THANK YOU. WE ARE RECAPPING. I HOPE YOU LIKE. Bec will be with you for the next episode, and that will be for subscribers only. This one is free, because I don’t value myself.