All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during episode TEN of The 3achelors

if the therapist they got on knew what she was doing, she'd have shot them all with a taser

God it’s amazing how truly deranged this season is, and ultimately how broken it all is. We’re so close to the finale, and I just watched a woman I have NEVER seen before, and who I don’t know the name of, get a rose. She’s almost a finalist. What IS this? And how did it all go so wrong? ( I sound like a narrator, which I guess I kinda am, in a degraded form. The noble art of narrating, reduced to recapping).

This episode is full of people essentially realising that they have no idea who they’re meant to be dating, they’ve each had a hot second with each other, and they’re realising that they have to GET ENGAGED in a couple of days? What they’ve done is removed the foundations of the format, sped it up, and then raised the stakes by making it an engagement - no wonder people are spooked. Really makes me appreciate how much the old format of this show actually worked… I mean, sure, it’s stupid and shallow, but it did create some form of connection most of the time. I guess we don’t know what we’ve got until it’s been replaced by three weirdos.

everyone in this episode yeeting themselves off the show

Anyway! Hello. We’re almost at the finish line. It’s been so fast, but so much work. I am so tired. This must be what marathon runners feel like, except with a real sense of accomplishment, and a lot less shame, and probably a lot more reward. And yes, I am aware that marathon runners usually shit themselves while running. They still have more dignity than I do.

this is like that scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, where there’s all the fancy holy grails, except instead of holy grails, it’s buttplugs. Choose the humblest buttplug, the wooden one, because that’s the one Jesus would have used for prostate orgasms.

But not more than my gorgeous partner in crime Bec Shaw, who puts the “more” in “glamour” (she cannot spell, but she looks great while she’s not doing it!). Anyway, she has a lot of dignity.

Ahhh we have fun. I can’t stay mad at you (this show). I love you.

Speaking of dignity, let’s recap these idiots and idiottes.

THATS NOT HOW THE JOKE WORKS FELIX

LEAST ANNOYING

This woman I’ve never met before

This is how you win at these recaps - you get to the tenth episode of a 12 episode season of The Bachelor, without me having seen you a single time, or having a single notable moment. What a queen! Keep on slaying under the rader, unnamed woman.

other people can see her right? like, she’s not something i’m hallucinating?

Anyway, she managed to get a rose from Thomas, after he sent some people whose names I actually know home, which is BONKERS.

like is she a load bearing contestant or something? is the mansion HER HOUSE and they are all living with her?????

Alesia

The conceit of this episode was some very brief single dates, mostly featuring water vehicles, and then a sexologist, who didn’t get to really do anything sexy, and just acted more as a therapist, who clearly realised these people don’t really know each other.

honestly, i wouldn’t be surprised if she got a rose tbh

Alesia was extremely sensible, and communicated clearly with Jed that she was happy to get to know him, and see where things went, but politely appalled at the idea of getting engaged in a day or two. Yes! It’s weird when people are sensible. It vaguely feels like they’re waking up and realising that things aren’t right.

you want me to get engaged? the worst thing that happened to Rose in Titanic?

Kiki

The ONE point of contention between Thomas and Kiki, apart from his as of yet undisclosed MLM, is the fact that he wants children and she already has some, and hasn’t confirmed if she wants to have more.

So, thanks to the guiding hand of the sex therapist, she points out that she can’t commit really. “We’re stage one” she says, “I can’t predict what stage 20 would look like”. It’s, once again, a sensible response to an utterly batshit situation. It’s also a healthy discussion to have, especially in your thirties, ESPECIALLY in your late thirties. I recommend having the children discussion with your partner when you can, because it’s not really something you can just leave to the whims of fate.

also, have the baby talk early so you don’t end up signing up your baby to some kind of pyramid scheme

Jeb

Look the bar is low, but i’ve quite liked Jeb recently - as much as you can like any sorta harmless young man who just likes to drum. Anyway, I enjoyed him sitting and gossiping with the girls while the rose ceremony went on, very much my vibe.

and they were roommates

MOST ANNOYING