All the heterosexual nonsense we were forced to endure in the new THE BACHELORS TRAILER
The Bachelors are back and so are we and we have THOUGHTS
We, fans of The Bachelor franchise in Australia are in a weird world these days, where a new season might just drop at any point, with no warning. This must be what it feels like to be that super fast goose in the cartoons, when the dog tries to drop pianos on its head.
Like I cannot stress how little warning we had - I’m in the entertainment business and I still had no real clue (but also I may be bad at my job). But it’s here, we have a new season starting December 3, and Bec and I are going to do our DUTY and recap it. This is what the world needs right now.
ALL OUR THOUGHTS ON THE NEW SEASON OF THE BACHELORS
Aldi version of Bridgerton
PATRICK: Whatever your thoughts on the Bachelor franchise in Australia, you have to admit they are brave, because for some reason with this trailer they’ve decided to risk pissing off SHONDA RHIMES HERSELF and giving us a weird cheap parody of Bridgerton. I imagine that you can’t copyright the idea of “vaguely old-timey romance”, but I personally would rather stick a needle into my foot than risk offending the most powerful woman in scripted entertainment.
BEC: This show is like someone who leaves their boyfriend and immediately goes for someone who is the complete opposite, as if that will solve all of their issues. Last season we saw the horny cocaine vibes of the Gold Coast, this season we have snapped back into Bridgerton, complete with a Mrs Gossiphead (not sure of her name) voice narrating over the top of a bunch of personal trainers and receptionists dancing to violin music.
PATRICK: Just quietly, is that a HOTTIE I see playing the violin? I think the violin is a very exciting instrument because much like me, it screams if you hit it with a stick made of hair.
Bec: I am cracking up at the voiceover calling them “dearest bachelors” - obviously nobody there knows how to speak in olden days and so they are just throwing in some fancy sounding words hahahha
There are three men again
Patrick: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - I think it’s bad to have three Bachelors, because they form a little club. When there’s only one Bachelor, they are completely isolated and outnumbered by women and it makes them behave better. My caveat to this rule is that this format would absolutely rock if all three of them were bisexual - so you just never know if they’re gonna fall for a contestant… or each other.
Bec: Unfortunately the below amazingly filmed shot was not finding two gay bachelors having a Bachback Mountain moment :(
Patrick: Personally I think that if there are three men together, then they should be fucking and sucking - perhaps in the back of some kind of “bang bus”. Or they should be bringing me gifts of frankincense, myrrh and most importantly, precious gold! Gold!!! OK let’s talk about these three fascinating men.
Bec: Ben hasn’t felt true love for a long time and has beautiful blue eyes and is a model, which makes me suspicious.
Patrick: Models are inherently suspicious because they’re too beautiful to ever feel the bite of consequence for their actions. That said, he looks less haute couture model and more “brown suede boot and puffer jacket” model. Don’t make me explain this distinction.
Bec: Luke is an NRL player, which makes me suspicious of him
Patrick: **TikTok Zoomer voice** it’s practically grooming to have someone on a TV show who has suffered that many concussions
Bec: Wes is hot and an influencer, which makes me suspicious of him. He’s hot though.
Patrick: He’s the only one I’m attracted to. Real talk - this show needs to ban influencers, it breaks down trust between the audience and the show and therefore lowers the stakes. Since influencers have swarmed the show en masse, the franchise has really suffered. I think that’s why FBoy Island was refreshing - it faced the influencerfication of dating shows head on. Excited for season 2 next year!
The women that they are
Patrick: A lot of beautiful women in this trailer. Lots of blonde women who I will inevitably confuse. No redheads, which is a pretty sorry statement on diversity.
Bec: There are many moments in the trailer where women GASP, which I love.
Patrick: Do you think we’ll get a single queer person on this show this year, or will we get another drummer?
Bec: queer haircut??????????
Patrick: Great point
Final thoughts
Patrick: One of the most interesting things about last year’s The Bachelors format was that while I mostly saw people slamming it, every time I wrote an article for a mainstream publication or talked about the season on the radio, I was inundated with comments from people saying they LOVED the new format. So, I think probably they were wise to keep three men, but also bring it back to some of the pageantry we expect from The Bachelor.
Bec: Okay, I think this is actually a smart move for the show, although I probably said that last year. I think people want wholesome Bridgerton vibes atm, and taking things back to Romance is savvy. However, it all depends on how annoying/evil the men are, so we’ll see. And we will all find out together, over an ever-increasingly deranged series of recaps :)
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That’s right - our FLAGSHIP recaps are back. We’ve dragged Bec out of depression retirement, Patrick has permission from the national broadcaster to be a silly bitch online… it’s all happening! If you’ve been with us before for recaps, we send out two recaps per week, and after the first week, they will be for paying subscribers only. Come on board! Tell your friends! Gather people around to watch us have a breakdown.
Yay!