All the LA nonsense I was forced to endure during episode ONE of Selling Sunset
Hi peasants!
Hello one and all, we’re back back back again! We are done with the beautiful natural wonders of Bryon Bae, and now it is time for the extremely unnatural wonders of Los Angeles. It’s Selling Sunset season 5 baby! (If you are actually a baby reading this please stop).
If you haven’t watched Selling Sunset before - welcome. If you have watched Selling Sunset before - welcome. If you are never going to watch Selling Sunset - welcome. If you are a baby reading this - not welcome. Cease.
My co-recapper for this season is, as always, Patrick Lenton, a man who is NOT a Selling Sunset fan and hasn’t watched it, and yet has agreed to let us recap this new season because he is terrified of me. Just kidding, it’s because he’s an ally! To lesbians who love Selling Sunset (who will kill him if he doesn’t agree to their demands).
Usually I would be concerned about bringing people into a show that is already up to its 5th season, but the beauty of something like Selling Sunset is that nothing that has happened in the other seasons really matters / I don’t remember it at all, and even the tiniest pea-brained human can catch up almost immediately upon viewing an episode.
Even though backstory is not really necessary, let me give you a brief rundown on some key facts before we dig into the season.
Selling Sunset is about The Oppenheim Group, which is run by Jason and Brett Oppenheim, little bald rich twin short kings. They employ an army of beautiful and glamorous tall women to sell white mansions overlooking the smog of LA.
In season 1, the group was joined by a woman named Chrishell, who is the main protagonist of the show. Also, it’s not part of the plot but it’s very important you know that Chrishell got her name because her mother went into labor at a Shell petrol station, and an attendant named Chris helped. This is not a joke.
Over the last couple of seasons we saw Chrishell get brutally dumped by her dumb This Is Us actor husband, and in the first episode of this season we find out she is now dating one of the Oppenheim twins! Scandale!
There are various true villains in Selling Sunset, but the main villain across all seasons is Christine, an impossibly glamorous woman who has made an enemy out of every single woman in the show by being mean and lying. But she is so unbelievably extra and amazing that it’s hard to stay mad.
So, Selling Sunset revolves around these people and their lives and their interactions and their fights, and occasionally they remember to throw in something about real estate. It’s perfect. Let’s jump right in!
LEAST ANNOYING
Amanza
In any other show, “Amanza” would be the number 1 name that I would want to discuss, but unfortunately Amanza is on a TV show with Chrishell. But it doesn’t matter - Amanza is one of my favourite cast members, and in this episode she proved yet again why that is. She’s just so FUN!!
She’s funny, she’s wears organza. She can real estate, she can interior decorate. She’s just great. She’s Amanza. Those were some sample lyrics to a theme song for the sitcom AMANZA I want to pitch.
I’m not sure if it will be covered in this season, but Amanza has been through it in the past few years. She got a divorce from her ex-NFL playing husband, sharing custody of their beautiful two kids, until one day he just split and couldn’t be found, so she’s been taking care of them fulltime for the past two years. She is a great mOm, and there’s been some really vulnerable moments on the show where she’s talked about the experience of single parenting.
Amanza is famously always late (see above: single parent), and her arrival into this ep was on theme. A bunch of people from the show went to Greece to celebrate Chrishell and Mary’s birthdays, and Amanza showed up approximately 12 hours after everyone else.
She’s beautiful, and she brings cake. What more do you want?
Crishell
I love Chrishell. She has made some bad choices in the past, with her scumbag ex and also the fact she was engaged to this man:
But I think she is a really savvy person. She has a resume that includes a lot of work on soaps like ‘All My Children’, and I think she brings that comfortability on camera, and also knows how much to say in each situation. She’s just a delight, and often drops the funniest anecdotes randomly, which the show never takes a beat on. For example, when talking about how she feels really natural and herself with Jason for the first time in a relationship, she said this:
That is literally a scene out of Mrs Doubtfire.
I have a feeling that her and Jason aren’t going to make it, and I am nervous to see what heartbreak she endures this season! She has talked in previous seasons about growing up really poor, and a storyline last year was her finally being able to buy her own home, and having stability for the first time. So Jason better not fuck that up, or I will hold him upside down and shine his head in one of those things at a local bowling alley.
HOWEVER there’s ALSO currently a rumour that she might be dating Australian singer G-Flip, after they did a lot of flirty messages and posts together.
I passed it off as a fun rumour, but a few days ago Chrishell posted that she is coming to Australia for the first time to visit! Coincidence????????? Maybe. They are probably just friends. But I can hold out hope. And if you’re reading this Chrishell, please come get a beer with me and Patrick! You can come too G-Flip I supppose.
Chelsea
Each season they toss in a couple of new people to see what happens, and this season we have Chelsea. She is very very clearly being setup to become Christine’s friend, and reign evil down upon the Selling Sunset kingdom and I do NOT care.
She and Christine met at an open house and honestly? They had sizzling chemistry. At one point, when up on a balcony, they in unison, off the top of their domes, said:
At one point Christine dropped her (incredible) purse, and Chelsea refused to bend over and get it.
“A fabulous woman never bends, for anything or anybody” was obviously something she has never said before but she committed as if she’s cross-stitched it on a pillow herself. I love her and I also love her accent which sounds like someone doing a fake Australian accent.
MOST ANNOYING
Brett Opennheim
Brett is by far my least favourite twin. During this episode he cracked the shits at everyone because they were talking about their relationships and how good they are, but didn’t mention his relationship? Or something. I don’t know.
The most interesting part about this was that I realised his girlfriend Brian Austen Green’s ex-girlfriend, Tina Louise. Do NOT disrespect Tina Louise.
I hate when women have to apologise to their friendship group because their boyfriend has gone off and punched a wall or some shit! You apologise, cunt!!! Anyway luckily Mary’s boyfriend, the extremely handsome and fatally French Romain, was there to help.
Imagine that in a really offensively thick French accent, and you will have it.
Christine
God, she almost got me good. For 99% of this episode I was like god YES I love this deranged woman. She is over-the-top, she is extra, she is camp, she is smart, and she is a bitch. Those are all delicious ingredients, and for most of this first episode she was just giving me all of those things.
She hit it off with Chelsea, and you could tell she was really enjoying having a clean slate with someone. At the end of last season almost every person was against her, calling her out on her lies. It would take a lot of work to recover from that, but in the meantime here is a fresh new person she can imprint on before they find out about her devious ways.
They also tried to do this same thing last season with Vanessa, but it didn’t work because Vanessa is too sweet. I have a feeling there’s going to be some fireworks here.
As always, Christine has to stomp on any good feelings I have toward her, when in the dying seconds of the show she finally weighed in on the new relationship between Chrishell and Jason.
Nooooo come on gal!! This is so annoying. Let me enjoy your ridiculousness in PEACE without having to hear your bad opinions and make me self-reflect about what I’m doing with my life!!!
So that is IT! Episode one and done, dusted. I didn’t even get to talk about my other favourite person, Maya!! So much left to cover. What did you think? What do you think? Did you enjoy this? Do you like me? I’m sorry it was so long, they will get shorter now that we have done all the exposition needed to follow along with this incredible documentary series.
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Just realised I forgot to talk about real estate literally at all, oops. Here’s a bathroom.
Haha you just really captured the essence of the show in those last two sentences. Excellent recap. I hope to hear what you and Patrick make of Heather's laugh at some point.