All the LA nonsense I was forced to endure during episode TWO of Selling Sunset

I have to call my doctor straight away

Well hello my good friends, my captive friends, the friends that live in the computer and have to read every single email I send. I’m back! Bec and I are back! And to recap: we’re recapping Selling Sunset season 5.

Imagine if we went all meta and started recapping our own recaps? What if we started training the next generation of tv recappers, and made them do it? Follow in our dreadful footsteps. When it looks like there’s only one set of footprints in the sand, that is because Bec is carrying me, because I got tired and grumpy.

bec carrying me through these recaps by being much funnier than I am

Anyway, yes, Bec made us start recapping a show that I’ve never seen, in the fifth season of the show. The only premise that I really know is that they are real estate agents. Real estate agents are the stupidest people in the world, btw, and the attack dogs of the landlords. But these are rich people real estate agents, so they seem entirely different. It’s real estate drama, but instead of my world of real estate drama which is something like “please fix the gaping hole in my roof” or “help, black mould!” it’s just a bunch of rich ladies talking to each other.

My wonderful recapper Bec is also having some real estate dramas, in the sense that new zealand has finally decided to kick her out, and she is returning back home with her prize (her lady love), an impressive intercontinental uhaul.

Anyway, I have no fucking idea what’s going on, and watching this episode has made me think that it’s a show about some impossibly glamorous women who sit in a row and don’t really like each other, and talk about how much they DO like each other, except for one woman, who absolutely nobody likes. Every woman looks the same. The two men look exactly the same. I don’t know anybody’s name. I’m so confused. I didn’t have a bad time, but much like when I have to go and watch arty theatre or something, I really didn’t understand what was going on.

i’m so confused i don;t even recognise myself in this

Anyway, I’ll ty to remember some names.

LEAST ANNOYING

Chrishell

The big news in this episode is that Chrishell is dating one of the two mysterious men who look exactly the same, and who talk into their phones instead of typing. These two bald little men scurry around the show, sometimes saying things like “that will be good to sell money” or “I like that idea for the house selling”. I don’t know I didn’t really understand.

Anyway, Chrishell is dating, let’s call him Ronald, because I think that’s his name, and everyone is talking about it, because he is their boss. Some people are like “hmm, this is probably going to mean favouritism” and other people are weirdly excited, being like “what’s it like to kiss him?” and it’s all deeply weird. Anyway, we had about two minutes before she got given a 10 million dollar house sell commission, so I guess the favouritism thing is true.

i imagine that’s like touching one huge testicle

In this episode, there is a single house that we get to see, and it is very big. It’s so big it has an elevator in it, and Chrishell gets in it with another woman, and then seems to learn about elevators halfway down and freak out.

Anyway, none of this is annoying or not annoying to be honest, but I think she’s very pretty.

Christine

Everyone HATES Christine, but she literally did nothing in this episode except enter and exit places looking fabulous. Everyone got super mad! She came to work and everyone had to shift around desks, and she stayed for like 5 minutes, picked up her giant gucci bag and then just left for no reason. Truly iconic behaviour.

Also everyone is like “she’s back from maternity leave” but it genuinely feels like she might have had the baby and left it in the forest for the fairies, because it never gets mentioned.

Anyway, iconic behaviour, she looks great and doesn’t want to be involved with everyone, which is my general vibe for how I feel about the show too.

Also, at one point Amanza got excited that Christine could raise a single eyebrow, and Christine was like “what thats impossible ive had way too much botox”.

the amount of matching outfits + sunglasses is inspiring

Amanza

I like her because she’s the only name other than Chrishell that I can definitely remember. Amanza Hugnkiss.

MOST ANNOYING

New Girl

You know what’s a great show, that I don’t think gets enough credit? The TV show New Girl. God, some of those jokes make me laugh and laugh. I think Nick Miller is a very interesting comedic character, a kinda trope you don’t see much - a sorta sexy grumpy grandfather, but young.

Anyway, I’m talking about New Girl because there is a new girl in this episode of Selling Sunset, but I cannot remember her name, because I don’t know ANYBODY’S NAME. Elizabeth? No, that’s the creator of New Girl.

Anyway, she’s kinda annoying - we got lots of scenes where she’s trying to convince us that she’s a wonderful mum AND a business bitch, and it’s like… fine, we get it. Children leave me cold, so watching a child get spoiled was pretty annoying for me.

New Girl’s big quote was: “I truly believe every woman can wear every hat they want to wear” and I was like “yeah girl!” thinking she meant it literally, thinking of some woman tottering down the road with just hundreds of hats stacked onto her head, a kind of ultimate form Pokemon version of Amy Sherman-Palladino - but then I realised it was actually just poorly grammatised girlboss rhetoric, where this literal billionaire was telling us peasants that women actually can have it all, if they simply hustle.

women can wear ANY hat

Her husband looked deeply generic too, which makes me believe he is into something like internet feet, sexually.

Ronald and his doppleganger, who we will call russell

I don’t like this weird bald men, and its not just because they’re rich!!!!!!! it’s also because they aren’t giving me any presents!!!!!

is this a mirror

This woman who has apparently never eaten an oreo

you know how some people think that ignorance equals virtue? like, when boomers go into a comment section for an article about Billie Eilish and write “who?”. Well, huge vibes with this oreo comment. From what I understand there are only three foods in America: oreo, twinkie, cob salad.

excuse me could you please put some more cob in my salad

Netflix deciding to disable screenshots

i happen to know that a netflix executive reads these recaps… so please… bring us back our screenshots.

this is what i get when i try to take my little pictures of the show now

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ANYWAY!!!! Look, these recaps will get a lot better once I start getting an idea of who these people are and what they are doing, and I think I might enjoy this show eventually too - but as an experiment, getting dropped into the second episode of a five series show, with no context… probably not great!!!!!

I love you all. Bec will be doing the next recap, and she famously knows what’s going on.