All the LA nonsense I was forced to endure during episode FIVE of Selling Sunset s5

CHRISHELL HAS LANDED

Hello again friends, there’s some big news about! First is that your beloved recapper, Rebecca J. Shaw (me) is back in Sydney! But far far more importantly, Chrishell from Selling Sunset is ALSO in Sydney!!! She’s on a boat in the Sydney Harbour, she’s hanging out with her CONFIRMED PARTNER G-Flip, and she is standing sexily next to sleeping koalas. All the classics.

chrishell.stause

A post shared by Chrishell (@chrishell.stause)

Not to form a parasocial relationship with Chrishell or anything, but I have found myself really into this story. Partly it’s because when anyone begins a queer relationship where they haven’t before, the world feels a little bit more right and good. But I think it’s also the surprise - never in a million years would I have expected someone like Chrishell, on a show like Selling Sunset, to be on this journey and to do it publicly and it RULES.

The other big news for all of us is that it has allegedly been confirmed that the upcoming Bachelor, star of the tv show The Bachelor, is going to be a man named Felix Von Hofe. The name ‘Felix Von Hofe’ makes me imagine a cartoon fat cat wearing a suit and a monocle, but it’s actually the name of an ex-basketballer.

helllllllooooooooo, I’m the new Bachelor Felix von Hofe. Bring me the women

Don’t worry, I immediately did the required research into the human version of Felix.

Tall! From what I have seen in straight culture, height seems to make up about 60% of what people like about straight cis men. This seems truly baffling to me, but I figure it must be because they don’t have that many other exciting traits. In any case, he’s only about 2-3 feet shorter than Patrick.

Me and Patrick at Mardi Gras

Felix if you are reading this, please defy our expectations. Patrick and I, as you can read below, have some existing prejudices that make us think you are going to be boring.

You are following Brooke Blurton, and a queer season of The Bachelorette. Please be cool and funny, and not just a tall man with a beard with no personality except for being into fitness. Thank you.

Ok, it’s time to get into the recap for episode FIVE of Selling Sunset!! Who will annoy me this week? Who will sell a 5 million dollar house overlooking smog? How many times will we hear about empanadas??? Stay tuned!!!