Announcement: the new show we're going to be enduring the heterosexual nonsense of - Selling Sunset

there is nothing more nonsensical than HOUSES

HELLO. We are extremely thrilled to announce our new season of recaps, after the joy and confusion that was Byron Baes. It’s been a hectic time, but we’re back baby. And we’re so excited to recap for you, our beloved and only friends.

Patrick: We have decided to branch out into a genre of reality TV that, as a millennial who has made a lot of terrible decisions in my life, find both enthralling and depressing: real estate drama. 

Bec: Not just any real estate drama - this is SELLING SUNSET!! This real estate drama is very little about real estate, and more about the incredible and fun and deranged cast. It’s CAMP. The new season coming out on Netflix is season 5. I have watched every episode and loved every second. How many episodes have you watched, Patrick? 

Patrick: Thank you so much for asking, Bec, and an incredibly astute question. I have watched NO episodes of Selling Sunset. I am incredibly excited to “pop my cherry” as the heterosexuals would say.

my laptop died last month, so I use my work computer for everything now and it doesn’t have Photoshop, and I’m too broke to buy another one, so here’s the standard of image you get now!!!!!

Bec: God, just awful. Let me catch you up on what you need to know. Selling Sunset is about the behind the scenes at the Oppenheim Group, a real estate business run by two bald little twins named Jason and I want to say Grayson. They hire a bunch of beautiful glamorous women to sell their houses, and those women love and sometimes hate each other, and fight. How does that sound so far? 

Patrick: Women… gathered together… performing a task… glamour???? You have CAUGHT my interest like some kind of fisherperson, and I am a deep sea fangly fish, latched on to your hook by my awful and disgusting mouth.

Bec: I forgot how extra you are. I love it. Speaking of EXTRA. I am excited for you to meet Christine. She is the most glamorous and meanest of the bunch, and the source of most drama. She is usually in the wrong, but she also does things like throws parties for herself where she has real life zebras. So who is to say if she’s bad or not. 

Christine (right).

She had a baby last season, and there are rumours that she had a secret surrogate because she dressed in ginormous heels and strut about as per usual while heavily pregnant. She is probably evil, but definitely iconic. I think you will love her. 

Patrick: full disclosure, while I have never seen an episode, the first season was HUGE when I was the editor of a pop-culture website, so I have all these weird memories floating around my empty brain, and when you say names like this, I have flashbacks and it’s traumatic???

Bec: Working in youth media is very similar to going to war, probably? Anyway, it’s a great show because opposite Christine’s antagonist is the main protagonist of the show, the person we followed into this world when she joined the Oppenheim group - Chrishell. She is a very sweet and funny person from a very poor background who was married to some guy from This Is Us who DUMPED HER during the season and we got to see it all play out. She also is now dating one of the twins, I think, which we will get to see happen in this new season. Also, important to know - the name “Chrishell” was given to her by her mother when she went into labor near a Shell service station, and a man named Chris helped. This is not a joke. 

Patrick: wait, isn’t it rumoured that someone from this show is dating Australian musician G-Flip?

Bec: That is ALSO Chrishell!!! I love this stupid content farm. It’s just a lot of fun - you do get to see also the really nice houses they sell, and then you cry when you realise that you could get a mansion there for the same price as a two bedroom shithole in Redfern. But also last season Jason threw a birthday party for his dogs and read out sincere poems to them. So, swings and roundabouts. 

Patrick: This sounds… spectacular. Also, I just had a recovered memory of a morning pitch meeting after one of my youth media staff writers pitched me a story about this show and I said “you can’t fight the moonlight, but you can sell the sunset” and nobody knew who leann rimes was because they were all too young, so… time to die I guess.

Bec: hahahah it IS time to die. But not before we watch the new season of Selling Sunset. To sweeten the deal - here is Romain, the severely hot French younger boyfriend of one of the real estate women. He appears sometimes to be all French and say things like “do not give me money, I will earn my own way hon hon”

Bonjour… jimmapell… horny

Patrick: does he come with the house! Haha i’m kidding, but yummy! (picture me drinking a huge glass of chardonnay and saying this)

Bec: I thought you were going to type “picture me drinking a huge glass of cum” and I didn’t want to, but now it’s sort of just happening anyway. It’s not good. ANYWAY, I think it’s actually great that I’ve seen it and you haven’t, you will bring fresh new eyes to it, and I will have my old prejudices and past knowledge in order to judge everyone. It’s nice houses, glamorous fighting and crying women, some little men….what else do you need? 

Patrick: yes I think it will be great, I am a virgo and a queer man, so I am all about snap judgements, and I am so keen. It starts THIS FRIDAY, and we will be doing our usual silly little format - two recaps a week.

Bec: Here’s me and Patrick, excitedly waiting for you to read our recaps. 

Selling Sunset s5 drops on netflix on Friday, Bec will be recapping the first episode!!!!!