Ranking all the heterosexual nonsense red flags in each of The Bachelors

The 3achelors starts on Monday, so let's see who these men are

It’s finally here – after a FULL CALENDAR YEAR of desperate waiting, we’re finally being given a new series of The Bachelor Australia. And friends, it seems we’re deeply in the flop era of the franchise - and I’m so excited.

I’m not sure why this is happening, why they delayed the show for so long, then decided to release it unceremoniously at the unsexy beginning of January slot. I don’t know why they’ve moved it all to the Gold Coast, away from the iconic mansion. I don’t know why they’re (apparently) going to rush it out with three episodes a week. I don’t know why they released the first two episodes on 10Play earlier this week and then deleted them later.

each of these men has something to teach you about the meaning of christmas, but not in a positive way

Perhaps more will come to light, but I will see that the new format - as cheap as it perhaps looks - is deeply chaotic and fun. I’ve seen the first episode (no spoilers!) and it’s a welcome change.

Bec and I have been recapping The Bachelor franchise for many many years now, and one of the traditions is to arbitrarily rank the contestants, such as ranking them by how likely they are to murder the Bachelor. However, there are OVER THIRTY CONTESTANTS this year, and I simply cannot commit to such a feat of ranking prowess. I have to go outside and roll along a hoop with a stick.

if i was going to rank these women, it would probably be by “who would most likely give you a really great serving experience at Mecca cosmetics”.

But in that same spirit of abundance, the anti-minimalism, the marie kondo found dead of it all, we also have THREE BACHELORS. That’s three whole adult men to be disappointed by. I feel like the mother in a gritty country drama, surveying my brood of husky farm boys with weariness and trepidation, wondering if we will survive the drought, and hoping they bring home a wife with good birthing hips.

So - what we’re going to do instead is rate these three bachelor men by their red flags, right now at the beginning of the show - and then let’s see if my opinion of them changes by the end. It will be a journey! Character growth. Dire predictions. I’m like an oracle of disappointing men.

So - based entirely off their bios, their instagrams, and some of what I saw from the first episode before it was yanked away by 10… let’s rank.

3. 27-year-old marketing manager Felix Von Hofe

Felix is tall, six-foot-six tall, ex-basketballer tall. When you’re that tall and you’re a heterosexual male, you don’t really need to develop much else in the sense of personality traits, or fashion sense, or even really good looks. Many women just apparently go gaga for you purely based on how many high shelves will remain relevant when you’re around, or your ability to pluck fruit out of trees. The old saying “is he hot or just tall” is relevant for a reason. There’s a reason it’s Shakespeare’s most famous quote. It’s also the reason giraffes are the most outrageously sexiest animal.

Too long to be wrong

.Because of his length, I think Felix doesn’t really have that many red flags - he’s just a long bland guy, a regular dude who has hit his head so many times on doorframes that it knocked all the problematic ideas out of his noggin.

I went on a few dates with a guy even taller than Felix, and people would literally stop to stare at us kiss, which I think gives these men a kind of much-needed humbleness.

SCORE: 2/5 red flags.

2. 35-year-old restaurant manager Thomas Malucelli

Ah, mama mia, bellisimo! Thomas is unfortunately very physically attractive, although his degraded Italian accent somehow sounds more South African?

Attractive straight men are a red flag on their own!

But I will say, he seems quite a pleasant man. Polite, good natured - I’d probably have liked him the most from the first episode, if I didn’t already know about a bunch of red flags from his bio.

the hair is hot, but also maybe it means he saw a ghost and got scared, which is a red flag (maybe the ghost is his murdered wife)

For example, he’s an “outdoors man”, which I find suspicious (what are you hoping to find out there? A lack of cameras to record your crimes? Alien monoliths? treasure?). He’s also deeply into mindfulness and meditation and stuff, which in white men in their thirties USUALLY means startup founder vibes. What are you meditating on? Different ways to not pay your employees????

He’s apparently a life coach, which is a scam. There’s like one or two people in the world who have life figured out enough to teach about it (The olsen twins and my dog Basil). Also he’s apparently involved in MLM schemes, so… so many flags

SCORE: 4/5 red flags

1. 25-year-old drummer and songwriter Jed McIntosh

I do not like this rat boy, this home brand My Chemical Romance purely based on the vibes. He’s also a drummer, a proud country boy, and a Christian, and i KNOW these shouldn’t be red flags on their own, but together they absolutely are. Yes, I have my own toxic hangups about each of those things, but i’m working through them. (once in the country a fly bit me, and i’m scared of christianity because it has that spooky bird)

after brooke’s groundbreaking season, it’s great we’re continuing to represent minorities on mainstream TV (drummers)

Nothing I hate more than people who make being “edgy” their entire personalities, but also they’re christians? choose a lane. is the pope edgy? no, he’s a powerful wizard.

I won’t get into it, but he’s insufferable in the first episode, so I feel like my vibes are right.

Score: 5/5 red flags

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I’m hoping to be proven wrong, and I hope by the end of this season I rank them all again and eat my words! I hope they’re all lovely boys.

But I doubt that will be the case.

Bec will be recapping the first episode on Monday (yay!!!!!) and then I’ll do Tuesday. The first recap will continue to be FREE (such value) but after that, it will be for subscribers only. Both Bec and I adore this newsletter, and adore writing for you all, but we can only afford to do so with subscribers, so if you enjoy our recaps, please consider subscribing x

Also… I’m launching a new part of this newsletter VERY soon… so there will be more writing to enjoy in 2023, so even if you can’t afford to subscribe, please follow. THANKS. LOVE.