The six-page stage transphobic stage play that was sent to my email: THE INTERNET IS STUPID

EXIT: pursued by a terf

Hello, is this a new series I’m doing? Perhaps, but I kinda hope it doesn’t NEED to be a series, because it implies that terrible things will keep happening to me online. But let’s be honest, I could probably do one of these daily.

It’s called THE INTERNET IS STUPID, and I’m just going to share the bizarre crap that happens to me on the world wide web, starting with a script so cursed that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I keep going to sleep and the last thing that crosses my addled mind as it shuts down like an old robot, is lines from this horrifying piece of creative writing.

This script is called THE LATEST SEQUEL TO THE EXORCIST, and it was sent directly to my personal email, with no note or explanation, by a person whose name I won’t repeat, because they idiotically tried to troll me using their real name and email, and it was very easy to find out where they work after a swift google. It’s six pages long, written directly into the body of the email. It’s written and formatted exactly like you would format a stage play (although not particularly adeptly), and attempts to use characters from The Exorcist as a form of social satire. It’s horribly written, constantly mixing metaphors and dangling sentences, bludgeoning the reader over the head with its hamfisted message. And that message? Just deranged transphobia my friend.

Not many people know this, but I started my career as a playwright, and I have several full length toured features under my name (and even won an award for one! An award!!!!) so I was very professionally interested in this script.

Here’s how it starts:

[written on the Twenty-First of October, 2021]    

Scene:  The living room of a fairly luxurious house in Georgetown.  A middle-aged mother is pacing to and fro while an academic type in nerdy glasses sits on a sofa.

Ms. MacNeil:  Is this going to work?  Will it work?   Please, please, tell me that this will work.  Please!

Queer Theorist:  Calm down, Ms. MacNeil. This method has been peer-reviewed by the leading academics in Queer Theory. Social constructs are no match for Deconstruction.

Ms. MacNeil:  Are you sure?  Are you really sure?  I’ve tried everything, you know.  Doctors, psychiatrists, Two-Spirit Shamanism.   Conversion therapy—

Queer Theorist:  Oh, please, Ms. MacNeil, you know that conversion therapy is illegal.

Ms. MacNeil:  Yes, sure, I am just desperate.  

Queer Theorist:  Please, sit down, Ms. MacNeil.  Professor Alok will be here shortly.  Now, when they comes, you tell them exactly what you told me, yes?

Ms. MacNeil:  (having sat down).  Yes, okay, alright.

(An ominous series of knocks at the door.  Queer Theorist opens the door, and against a black background with flurries of steaming dry ice, we see a silhouette of a tall figure in a fedora and an overcoat carrying a briefcase.)

I won’t continue - it’s a series of nonsense that focuses on the “gag” of misgendering several high profile queer celebrities and advocates, such as Alok Vaid-Menon and Elliot Page, with jokes as carefully crafted as:

Alok:  Don’t I just look fabulous?

Queer Theorist:  You most certainly do, Professor Alok!  (Gives him kisses on both cheeks.)

Alok:  You don’t think the blush is a bit much?

Queer Theorist:  No, it’s right at the non-binary threshold.

Alok:  That’s exactly what I was aiming at.  Thank you.

Queer Theorist:  No, thank you!

Ha ha! The jokes write themselves (but they shouldn’t, jokes only suck like this when they are VERY distressed, delete this immediately). Dave Chapelle is NOT stressed about someone coming for their horrible beat!