We have a Bachelorette cast to discuss
let us ruthlessly dismember the men and compliment the women
Patrick: Let's meet all the men and women.
Bec: Let's shit on all the men and meet the women.
Bec: So each season we go through these casting lists, and like this season is already superior because there's eight women. And usually it's just scrolling through like average men.
Patrick: All the men look exactly like the type of men you’d find in any season of The Bachelorette. Just a whole bunch of normal guys wearing suits that don’t fit them.
Bec: My first thought is that they really went hard on all the women being super femme, which is like, maybe that's Brooke's preference, but you think they’d try throwing in some, like hot soft butch type, like Shane from the L Word?
Patrick: why did Brooke only get 16 contestants? Is this part of the myth of queer people not existing?
Bec: I don't know. I really wanted them to mix it up with the men because these are just like men that would be on, yes, a normal male season. And it's like, if you're going to go this far, why not give us some more interesting types of men as well? Some different varieties. Anyway, let's go through.
Beau, 34, NSW
Patrick: First one? I'm a huge fan because he's doing what he says on the label. Beau is a boy. I hope the next one is called Geaurl.
Bec: I did click through to his Instagram and most of his photos, as with almost everyone on this show, is of travel and him with a bunch of shirtless dudes, and photos of his body and him at the gym.
Patrick: His body, you say.
Bec: He does have a great body, if you like that sort of thing. Lots of abs.
Patrick: I'm one of those weirdos who just loves abs.
Bec, 30, VIC
Bec: Yes. I'm on this season.
Patrick: Yeah, that's you.
Bec: When asked what the “one trait that might make Brooke run the other way”, Bec says “I forget where everything is” Uh, I don't think that's enough to make me run the other way. That's not a red flag to me that you forget where stuff is… unless you mean your vagina, with someone else.
Patrick: Yeah, yeah, sure. Or unless Brooke is actually on The Bachelorette this season for an Ocean's Eleven style heist, and she was really thinking of Bec for keeping all the plans and schematics in one place, or maybe all the keys, I don't know. I don't know how to heist.
Bec: I did look at her Instagram as well, and it's 90 percent elephants and cats.
Patrick: They're both gay subgenres. I'm an elephant.
Bec: I'm an elephant. You're the cat.
Carissa, 30, QLD
Bec: Then we move on to Carissa. Carissa is very beautiful, very beautiful. She's a sailor.
Patrick: Oh, I climb aboard, captain.
Darvid, 27, QLD
Patrick: Darvid. Oh my God. Darvid. We've got our magician.
Bec: I looked at his Instagram as well and is it seems like a lot of him sitting in the exact same place holding him drink. And a lot of him, like on a motorbike, there's almost no pictures of women any way, like no friends, female friends, no female family. It's just like boys, boys, boys. Oh, he's so straight.
Patrick: There’s one where he's also tenderly stroking a helicopter.
Emily, 25, NSW
Bec: Emily's “idea of a dream date is all about creating a special memory to look back on. I would love to have an animal encounter, a thrill-seeking experience”. She wants to be Tiger Kinged, and eaten by a tiger. This is a thing.
Patrick: Yeah. Yeah, she's a classic Tiger King.
Holly, 27, NSW
Bec: So she works in marketing, which is just the most classic bachelor job of all time.
Bec: … and a cheerleader for the Penrith Panthers, who just won the Premiership.
Patrick: Oh, that's a great fact, great little sport infographic for our audience, you’re nailing this.
Jamie-Lee, 30, NSW
Bec: Very interesting is Jamie-Lee. Yes, it is. She was on Brooke's season with the Honey Badger.
Patrick: so I was trying to remember her, Jamie-Lee, from when we recapped the Honey Badger, but I realised that that entire experience is a like, a kind of nightmare blur, and I really did not recall her.
Bec: Yeah.
Patrick: And that doesn't say that actually says pretty good things about Jamie-Lee, because you only really remember the terrible people.
Bec: Yeah, you remember the terrible people, and the outrageous.
Patrick: And Abbie, that's it. Like, you know, it's like the one queen and then all the terrible people.
Jess, 30, SA
Bec: So she says her perfect date is “Sitting on a rug on the sand overlooking the ocean near a fire pit, with a charcuterie board, sipping on wine and watching the sunset whilst talking to each other about life experiences and listening to the waves crash and the trees rustle.”
Patrick: OK, go off Agatha Christie.
Bec: I looked at her Instagram, and I must admit that she seems pretty queer to me and also has a cat is named Benzos.
Johann, 27, NSW
Bec: Look, look at what he’s doing with his hands, why are they closed so tight?
Patrick: like aggressively like he's…
Bec: like he's angry.
Bec: He's like, crushed his enemy between them.
Patrick: He's actually got several wasps in there.
Bec: He describes himself as “someone to laugh at and a shoulder to cry on.” Oh well, okay. Why are we laughing at him? Like with you?
Patrick: No, no. We're definitely laughing at him.
Bec: “The carpenter believes he's super active lifestyle and sense of adventure, make him the perfect match for Brooke”. Why do all these people want adventure and fitness? And no one ever is like, I want someone to binge 17 seasons of the Kardashians with. They're always like, I want to rock climb.
Patrick: They’re always like I want to meet the love of my life to tandem paraglide into hell with me, whereas I just want someone to like, gradually seep into the afterlife at the same time as I do.
Konrad, 31, VIC
Patrick: Black suit, black suit like dyed blond hair. Quite a lot of jewellery, ring, earring. Now, if, if, if anyone has at least dabbled, maybe it's Konrad.
Bec: Another carpenter. Johann was a carpenter. The two carpenters should have to build something quickly to decide which one stays in the mansion.
Bec: Which one is better with their wood.
Kurt, 29, NSW
Bec: Why have eight abs when you have six abs? Like, what do you need those extra two for?
Patrick: Gaslighting and gatekeeping?
Matt, 31, QLD
Bec: OK, Max is from Queensland. He's wearing some lesbian bracelets.
Ritu, 25, VIC
Bec: Next up is Rita. I went to jher Instagram and she's my favourite. She looks the most like people we would be friends with. She has a septum piercing. She looks queer and cool.
Patrick: Yeah, I think I think we've got a very early favourite here.
Ryan, 29, NSW
Patrick: He literally looks like he's in the middle of saying, “what do I do with my hands?”
Bec: He looks like every guy that's been on this show.
Steve, 29, NSW
Bec: “Sometimes I'm too carefree and easygoing for my own good”. What does that mean?
Patrick: Do you think that… do you think that when he says that sometimes he's too carefree and easygoing for his own good? Do you think that means that he shits himself?
Bec: [stony silence].
Taje, 23, NSW
Bec: Very pretty. Look, I, I think she seems. Look very cool, look. What am I saying, she's just really hot.
THAT’s ALL. We’ll be back on Wednesday for our first recap, and then Thursday for the next one. If you wanna read all the recaps, you have to subscribe. Sorry! I don’t make the rules, capitalism does.