All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during episode TWO of Fboy Island Australia
Let's head back to Fart Boy Island
Oh my god hello! It’s been so long! How are the kids? And your awful wife? Me, well I am happy to report that I am finally un-depressed enough to get back into doing things like recapping reality dating shows! Hurrah! Listen to the crowds gather in the streets to celebrate this momentous day!
To celebrate, my co-recapper and tall drink of water with a twist of lime (bisexual) Patrick Lenton have decided to delve into the new Australian dating show FBoy Island! Just like with Kmart, nobody knows what the ‘F’ stands for - my best guess is FartBoy Island. They have been sent to the island because they can’t stop farting. You can read Patrick’s first recap here, and get caught up on all the complicated mechanics of the game. Essentially three women have to date a bunch of men and try to send the Fboys home, and keep the Nice Guys around.
Patrick and I were early supporters of Abbie on The Bachelor, as to us she was clearly the Sophie Monk of her season.
I think Abbie’s path to hosting this sort of show makes sense, and I think she’s good at it! I fear she may be heading down the path of being an overexposed woman = people start hating you, but I liked her hosting tone. The show is sort of trying to walk the difficult tightrope of being this sort of reality dating show, and laughing at this sort of reality dating show, so it sometimes misses the mark. I don’t know exactly how to balance showing bad men while also engaging those men in a fun dating show, but I had a lot of fun watching. Well, as fun as me being forced to look at a group of men who largely repulse me can be.
As usual, I will be ranking based on annoying levels. This show is difficult to recap, because pretty much every single man makes my skin want to crawl off my body and slowly creep away into the sewers. Let’s go!
LEAST ANNOYING
Molly/Sophie/Ziara
One of the best things about the show so far is the women they have cast. They are three of the most beautiful reality show contestants we have ever seen, and they are all cool and funny and smart.
Molly (blue togs), walked in on her ex cheating with someone, Sophie in the orange hasn’t been kissed in two years somehow, and Ziara (yellow) is 21 and clearly does not give a fuck if a guy is a fuckboy and only cares if he is hot (which I respect). I like that we get to see the friendship between the three of them, and would much prefer if all the men weren’t part of the show. The one annoying thing related to them is inherit in the format of the show - they are so easily duped by fuckboys, it’s like putting a blanket over a birdcage and convincing your bird its nighttime. These women are DOZING. Of course it could also be a factor of production, in order to keep the drama rolling. Either way, it’s annoying.
HOWEVER, standing by while beautiful women you love waste their time and energy on disgusting men is part of being an ally to the heterosexual community, and my work continues here. Not all heroes wear capes - some wear jorts.
Sean
Do not mistake this ranking for me believing that Sean is a Nice Guy. I take ages to believe that even about the nice men in my life, let alone a contestant on FBoy Island. It’s not that I hate men, I am just like a cat. A mean lesbian cat. Straight men have to win my affection by slowly winning me over a long period of time, and I will revoke my affection at any point if I so choose. And I will poo in their bath if they upset me. But even though my instincts are yelling at me, I think it is only fair I judge these men on their actions, and Sean’s actions have been good (relatively, very low bar etc).
We saw the first judgement ceremony in this episode, which is where the women each choose two men at risk of sending home. They give their reasons, and then decide who is leaving. The guy then reveals if he’s an Fboy or a Nice Guy. A man named Caleb was up for elimination, having been interested in Molly. If you haven’t read Patrick’s recap, let me sum him up - the absolute worst, and clearest Fboy on earth, who said this about Molly when she told him about her ex cheating on her:
Sean, who wasn’t up for elimination and didn’t need to say anything, stood up during the ceremony and told Molly that Caleb had said gross things about her.
In the moment, this didn’t win him any friends. Molly was unsure of his motives and thought maybe he was jealous of Caleb, so she kept Caleb. Ziara also said the next day that it hadn’t convinced her Caleb was an FBoy (bad taste, bad taste). But later on, Molly rewarded Sean with a solo date, which was an awkward ‘longest kiss on TV’ stunt they’ve done before that I hate. Molly, in a statement so deranged that I had to respect it, said that the kissing would be useful because it would be a way to physically work out if Sean is a secret FBoy.
If being good as kissing is a crime, lock me up!!
MOST ANNOYING
Benny
This episode featured one of the most severe cases of Bad Taste that I’ve ever seen on television. And I’ve.. [the screen goes black and white, I put out a cigarette and sigh] i’ve seen ‘em all kid. Sophie, a charming and funny Margot Robbie lookalike:
Was into a thumb man who looks like this:
I would not judge her for being into a thumb man if that’s what she found hot, but there are some further facts about this man. He is British. He is a DJ. In this episode he got really mad because Sean “snitched” on Caleb, and angrily confronted him.
Overall he is one of the most repulsive men I’ve encountered in a long time, and after all of that display - Sophie not only didn’t have him forcibly removed from the premises, she KEPT HIM IN THE GAME.
Justin
Sophie, Sophie, Sophie. Sophie’s other main connection was with a man named Justin who is so clearly an Fboy that it unbelievable that Sophie would not be able to tell immediately. People like Sophie are why Superman can just put on glasses and become Clark Kent. I hate to encourage judging a book by its cover but:
This man is on a show where there’s a 50/50 chance he’s an Fboy. There’s also some other clues, such as that none of the three STUNNING SMART women were ‘catching his eye’.
This.
When his best friend was eliminated (and revealed to be an Fboy):
He’s also an adult entertainer (which Sophie was v normal and cool about), and then when they were talking about baby names he said he wanted a son to name Channing, after Channing Tatum. I guess for an adult entertainer Channing is a stellar example in the field? Is it like naming your baby after your hero? anyway, maybe he is a nice guy because that’s pretty funny also!
We will find out together! Or more likely, Patrick and I will find out first, and then you’ll read it here. What I also want to find out is why Sophie has the worst taste that I’ve ever seen a human being have.
Never to annoy or not annoy again
I don’t know, a few guys we don’t care about yet. What is more important is that I tell you about Limbro. When these guys are eliminated, they dont go home. I guess it’s Survivor style, everyone is sequestered until the end. In this case, and in something I found genuinely funny - men who are revealed to be Nice Guys get to go to nice accommodation, and the Fboys get to go to Limbro, a place with wooden beds and dirt floors.
In this episode, the Mullet Fuckhead who got eliminated and sent to Limbro looked apprehensive when he arrived:
Then when the lights turned on and Abbie appeared, he looked genuinely terrified as if he had just awoken in a Saw type scenario.
Okay that’s all from me, I am so sorry about the length of this, but I have a lot to say about Fboys!! Thank you so much for subscribing - not to be too annoying but I lost work because of depression and this newsletter helped me scrape across the line, and I really appreciate it very much. If you think your dumb trash friends would also like it, we’d love if you could share or tell them about it. If not, that’s also fine!
Stay tuned for the next episode recap done by Patrick Lenton, and stay tuned to find out if Patrick and I are Fboys or Nice Guys!
❤️ your work Bec