All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure during episode NINE of The 3achelors
NEIN
Hello and welcome to the final week (?????) of The 3achelors? The only explanation for the bizarre scheduling of this season must be that it was released intentionally as a short-run Television Miniseries, so that it’s eligible for the Emmys.
Speaking of eligibility, I believe these three men should all be made eligible to be single forever, or to perhaps to be eligible for some sort of compulsory lobotomy. It’s actually a bit of a shame how this season went down. I appreciate that the production has tried to mix things up, and I genuinely do think it’s been more interesting in parts - but I think they fucked up by making it THREE men. Zero is preferable re: amount of men, but if you can’t do zero, I think three was too big of a jump. I know they probably didn’t want to do a duo again after the disaster of the blonde country sisters, but I think it would have worked much better as two unrelated men, alongside this new fun format. Unfortunately for them, and the longevity of a bachelor recap substack written by two beautiful geniuses, it is absolutely tanking.
As well as the issue of how they are dropping the episodes, having 3 men and one million women means that we are in the final week and I barely know who anyone is, let alone believe they care about each other in any real way. There are no stakes.
If you’re going to expect us to believe that these people could fall in love in the course of two dates, it’s time to do another season of just lesbians and queer women. Speaking of: I think I cursed Holly and Millie, they have just announced their breakup. Love isn’t real again!! Except for me and Patrick. By the way, have you checked out Patrick’s new newsletter yet? It is part of this newsletter that you’re already subscribed to, and he writes great stuff about all the fun and specific pop culture stuff that he loves.
Anyway back to this hell, I mean season. One of the other main problems is that the three men they chose all largely suck to watch in different and not particularly fun ways. If you’re going to give us some villains, they better be charming or smart or hot, not three duds.
LEAST ANNOYING
Bella
Tonight’s episode saw all the remaining contestants and the men have a nice dinner party together, until Osher appeared to ruin the night, revealing that it was secretly going to be a rose ceremony where three women would go home. Clearly someone had just seen Knives Out and Glass Onion, because it was revealed as though Rian Johnson himself had written it.
Oh my god they were right in front of us. Yes, there were several hideous vases full of fake looking flowers in this cheaply furnished Gold Coast penthouse. What a twist. Anyway, I missed the last episode because I have to live my life, but I read Patrick’s recap and know that Bella acted a bit weird, I assume because she knew that she was next on the chopping block. Sadly, she was the one that Jed let go tonight, and even her reaction to that was funny.
At the news of her exit, all the other contestants were shocked and bawling - they all clearly feel more for each other than they do for the men (which makes sense because they have spent five minutes with the men, and women are better xx).
Bella has been the queen of iconic lines this season, and she didn’t fail us again on her way out.
Amazing. The only annoying thing abut this was Jed, which was annoying in itself because until this point he had been actually fine. But then on her way out he teared up and called her an ‘amazing woman’ and kept telling her not to change for anyone, and a whole bunch of other bullshit. This annoyed me, sorry! It seems like he genuinely felt bad about it but still, shut up! She’s an awesome grown ass woman, just because you don’t want to fuck her doesn’t mean you get to condescend to her.
Nobody is telling her to be silent or to change, except you by the virtue of not choosing her and also now saying all of this. Anyway Bella if you’re reading come party with us sometime.
Thomas
This may come as a surprise, and it certainly does to me, but I’m recapping episode by episode and Thomas won me over a bit in this one! He is clearly a wellness cult leader who would probably hate me because I’m fat, and I occasionally get a Dexter vibe, but that isn’t enough to put you at the bottom in this show. He got a head start on winning me over with his drips in this ep, I loved his matching tracksuit and his slutty open shirt.
Anyway, Thomas took some nice blonde lady I’ve never seen out to a farm, because he likes nature and not having many people around (easier to recruit/murder?).
They had a cute and extreeeeeemely boring time together, Thomas made a cocktail very badly while they had no chemistry and conversations such as:
“So you like cocktails to taste good?” “yes, that’s very very important to me”
Okay! Heterosexuality is hell!
Thomas I think is the most successful televisually of the three men on this show because he mostly seems nice enough (probably wrong), and has the ability to either connect with people quickly, or is smart enough to pretend to have the emotional conversation capacity of a full grown lesbian. He also looks like he would smell really good.
Also I’m about to get into the low bar for men, but it actually was a surprise that during the Glass Onion dinner party, Thomas chose to keep Kiki and send the younger Jasmine home. This endeared him to me, with the caveat that he will probably choose the younger blonde woman in the end. Thomas told her that he’s going to get down on one knee and propose at the end, which he admits is ‘crazy’.
What he didn’t admit is that production is making him do it and it’s probably in his contract, and it is genuinely whacko to try and get us to believe he is ready to go on a third date with any of these women let alone marry them, but whatever helps you guys sleep at night!
MOST ANNOYING
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