What's next for the world's most popular newsletter? You're about to find out

All the heterosexual nonsense I was forced to endure... throughout time

Hello! It’s us, Patrick and Bec, and we’re doing that thing where we are talking at the exact same time! It’s super impressive and funny.

This is just a quick note to let you know about all the cool and totally rad stuff that you’re about to experience as one of the best people in the world (subscribers to this newsletter). We appreciate and love you so much, that it’s actually getting in the way of our physical relationships. “What are you thinking about babe?” says my discretely pregnant brazilian model life partner, as we lie in bed, about to totally do it. “Oh nothing… just my Substack newsletter subscribers”. Because of this love we want to make sure you’re happy!

Last year we kinda jumped from show to show, usually live recapping things. We tried MAFs. We did Selling Sunset. We did Drag Race. The problem with this model is that many shows are awful and no fun, and live recapping is SO HARD and time consuming that we had to take big breaks afterwards, which would leave you alone and wondering where we are, like dogs left in a hot car.

So, we’ve made some little changes, and here’s what you have to look forward to from All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure in 2023, and the biggest is that we will be so much more regular now, we will be the metamucil of the newsletter industry.

All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During The Bachelor And The Bachelorette… Throughout TIME

That’s right, we’re going back to where it all began. In two weeks time (because we need a break after The 3achelors) we’re going to start recapping, for paid subscribers only, the very first season of The Bachelor AU ever. We’re going back in time!

It will be interesting to see what it was like all the way back in 2013, back when it all began, especially in comparison to the wild choices made with the latest season.

“The season follows Tim Robards, a 30-year-old Sydney based chiropractor originally from Newcastle, as he romantically pursues a cast of 25 women, with the goal of finding his wife.”

After that we’ll do the first Bachelorette, then Bachlor, etc…. a lot of content… a lot to enjoy.

All the seasons of The Bachelor are on 10Play, so you can watch along with us if you want - but you also don’t need to! You can just enjoy our funny little jokes. (Edit: I have discovered they are NOT all on 10Play, and are in fact just “video highlights”. We’ll sort something out…)

We’ll be spacing them out so it’s a recap per week, because they aren’t live, so you won’t be BOMBARDED with emails like you were for the past three weeks.

Starting mid February, 1 recap per week.

Stupid! With Patrick Lenton

You’ve probably already seen my (Patrick, hello) column, that’s a fun little separate part of this newsletter. Coming out FORTNIGHLY, it’s articles on pop culture, comedy, and queerness, such as this piece on Why The Gays Love M3gan, or this piece on how cute Benoit Blanc’s little outfits are, or this piece on Why I Would Shoot Myself Rather Than Live Through The Zombie Apocalypse.

I’m so excited about this, because it gives me the space to go down some rabbits holes with a bit more depth, be sillier than I might be in articles for a more general audience, and also really engage with some niche queer stuff. Fun! This will remain free, for a general audience, with some special posts for paid subscribers only.

Fortnightly column, next one later this week

Live recaps of The Bachelor/ Drag Race/ etc

If the bachelor franchise does not die in Australia, we will continue to recap it live! Also we’ll continue with Drag Race Down Under, and also anything else that strikes our fancy. We will just pace ourselves!

TBC

All The Christmas Rom-com nonsense

And we will continue to recap terrible christmas rom-coms lol. We love them so much.

The most wonderful time of the year

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Again, thank you for coming along on this stupid ride, we love it. Any comments or suggestions or feedback or thoughts about our 2023 program launch, let us know in the comments! This is like the National Arts Policy but for cool people.